Marnie goes to Europe

For the past two weeks I have experienced the extreme luxury of truly letting go. I traveled to Budapest, Hungary and Barcelona & Camprodon, Spain. Like, it was an unreal experience for so many reasons but as I get back home and start to settle into my regular life, I can’t help but to think about the past two weeks and feel so proud of myself.

The pandemic was not good for me, as I can imagine it wasn’t for a lot of you either. However, I thought it didn’t really affect me much, particularly because I didn’t get Covid until mid 2022, but getting Covid positive was not the only way this could affect you. Pre-pandemic I was type A, I didn’t love crowds and I didn’t really love plans changing but all of that, I could tolerate. I didn’t like it but I would deal with it. Also, in January of 2020, I started taking medication for anxiety and depression and formally started seeing a therapist. So yeah, things were not great before but as I reflect on the past couple of years, the pandemic certainly heightened a lot of my characteristics and I guess it took me until now to really acknowledge it. I think deep down that I knew that these things were getting worse but being the queen of avoidance that I am, I chose the ignorance is bliss route.

There came a time when I wouldn’t leave my apartment unless everything was perfect, meaning that plans included the people I wanted to be around, a place where I felt comfortable and limited possibilities for last minute changes. At the time I thought it was great but later I realized how rigid and restrictive it was, not only for me but for the people that wanted to make plans with me. My ex and I used to joke that I was a “go with the flow” gal, because I obviously was not, and frankly I’m still not. In Europe though, it was almost as if I didn’t give a fuck.

One of my coworkers in Hungary told me that I seem really chill and like to go with the flow. He was serious and I almost spat out my drink because I know that I am the opposite of that but it got me thinking if I was different over there. I think I was. I think I realized that I wasn’t in a position of control and that I was kind of at the mercy of my coworkers and friends there and I truly had to go with the flow. I’m not going to lie and tell you that it was easy but after the initial anxiety attacks, I learned to really enjoy going along with whatever happened. It was nice to not be the one making the plans and just showing up.

I love being alone but I hate being alone in public? Or maybe I actually just hate seeming like I don’t know what I’m doing or being lost in a new place. I know strangers genuinely don’t care but try telling that to my brain. Going to Europe alone brought out every insecure thought front and center in my mind because there were so many unknowns. First of all, I didn’t know Hungarian and I literally had met only one person in that entire city. Sure, I had met my other coworkers on zoom but I didn’t know if they wanted to spend time with me outside of work. I still don’t know that but I think they did haha.

I flew out on a Friday after work and after a THREE hour delay, I was off to Europe. I finally arrived in Budapest on Saturday morning and it finally hit me that I was in a foreign country by myself. I’ve traveled a lot but never really alone or to unknown places where they don’t speak any of the languages that I speak. So after a minor freak out, I was off to the city. I had planned to meet my coworkers later that night and I thought I could squeeze in my favorite activity: a nap. I couldn’t check in until way later so a nap was out of the questions. I wandered around the area where I was staying and started walking around and getting some essentials like a freaking European plug converter thingy. It was unseasonably warm which was so deceiving as I later proceeded to freeze my ass off for the remainder of the trip, but that first day I was dying because I had worn fleece lined pants and Uggs.

When I finally made it to dinner with my coworkers I was SO nervous. It wasn’t a work day and I didn’t want them to feel like they had to be there but at the same time I hoped they wanted to build their relationship with me too. We had traditional Hungarian food which I’m not even gonna try to write the name of. I’ll just throw a pic in here instead — it was some sort of traditional beef stew, which was to die for. We all ordered a drink and started chitchatting.

When I tell you I’m so bad at small talk, I mean I’m extremely bad at it. Somehow, by the end of the dinner we were doing shots of this thing called Tubi?? It tasted like limoncello, honestly. But I was happy that they also wanted to do shots, particularly because I felt like it would help with my nerves. I’m so thankful the food and drinks were good because I didn’t want to be disrespectful or anything, especially because one of them had been telling me about this dish for weeks! Can you imagine if I hadn’t liked it? You all know how bad I am at hiding my emotions so I know it would have been a bad way to start the trip!

The rest of the night and week went so well. We talked so much and we laughed even more. Most weekdays I would take the tram into the office which was like on the ground, not like the trams they have a Disney where they are up in the air. It was a quick and easy way for me to commute to the office and get to see the city every morning. Mornings in the office were quiet because of the time difference with New York, so instead I used that time for as many 1:1 as I could with people there in person. At around 3pm, NYC would log on and it was chaos. So much activity when they logged on and I was so frazzled at first but it was really nice to only have half a day of that. At around 5 or 6 we would start to make our way to eat dinner somewhere and of course have a drink or two. Some nights it was just dinner but other nights turned into mornings real quick! They take happy hour drinks to the next level. It was honestly so fun getting home at 3 am sometimes and feeling like I was in college again. You guys know how much I love to sleep so staying up that late is unheard of for me.

Halfway through the first week, my coworkers were telling me they didn’t think I was going to make it to Spain that weekend. So let me back up, Spain is the whole reason I took this trip to begin with! My friends Ernesto and Gisela were getting married in Camprodon and I thought it was relatively close to Budapest. It’s a 3 hour flight so not like thaaaat close but I didn’t know when I would be back on that side of the planet so I decided to “swing by”. Only thing is that I hadn’t bought a ticket to go to Spain…

I did want to go to Spain and to the wedding but a lot of my friends couldn’t go and I wasn’t going to know anyone. The thought of going by myself made me uncomfortable because I didn’t know anyone and I didn’t know what to expect. Also, I originally thought this place was like close to Barcelona but it was two hours away by car. I didn’t even have a valid drivers license, or a drivers license at all, and I have driven like max 5 times all year. I was able to get a license in time (barely) and so I made the reservation for the car. How was I gonna drive in Europe after never driving in NYC? I thought my mom was gonna murder me when she found out I was driving. The poor woman has every reason to be worried, to be honest. Every single time I travel by myself I call her crying or distraught from an airport. It’s like our thing. There were no tears this time though!

I bought a ticket for Spain literally the day before I had to go, which is SO unlike me. When I landed I found the car rental place and plugged in the address on the gps of the car. To be super safe, I put it into my phone as well, just in case, only to realize that the phone was in imperial and the car was using the metric system. Needless to say, Siri or whatever the voice is called was confusing the heck out of me because each device was giving slightly different instructions.

Once I got there, I was in a little bit of a better mood, but I was still on edge because I didn’t know anyone going or literally anything about the wedding. I knew that my hotel was the same place where the pre wedding festivities were the night before the wedding and that’s about it. When I arrived, the hotel room was TINY but I didn’t really need much and was rarely even in there. I went to get food and found out that everything was closed from like 4:30-6:00, and you know how I get when I’m hangry…

Finally, it was time to go meet people. I got ready and went in the elevator and my heart was racing. I was soooooo far out of my comfort zone, it wasn’t even funny. As soon as the elevator door opened, I made eye contact with Ernesto and it was like everything was fine. He introduced me to all of his friends and one of our mutual friends was there so that helped. I honestly don’t even remember much from that moment because I blacked out from the nerves. We went into this big room with Spanish tapas and every type of alcohol you could imagine. It was fun, I made conversation with more people than I was honestly expecting myself to and I felt much more comfortable. Maybe that was all the champagne we drank.

I tried to say good night and go back to my room because the wedding started at noon the next day but Ernesto was like “absolutely not, we’re going out.” It was not even a question and I couldn’t even argue with him. I thought I was done talking to people, but when we went to the bar next door I recognized some people but none that I knew super well. I found one, his name is Rafa, and if you know Rafa, he is the life of the party. Any party. I decided to sit at his table and that was the best decision I made the whole night because I got to meet some of the coolest, nicest people ever. It was so nice because I automatically knew that if they were friends with Ernesto, then I knew they were good people.

After a few hours at that bar, we went to probably the one singular “club” in that town and it was hands down the most fun I’ve had in a really long time. All of us spoke Spanish and they DJ was blasting popular songs in Spanish. We were dancing and singing and drinking and literally living our best lives. It was a night to remember, though it’s hard because of all the drinks hehe.

The wedding the next day was stunning! The venue could not have been more perfect and Gisela & Ernesto could not stop smiling the whole day. I have been to very few weddings but nothing makes me happier than seeing my friends so happy. That sounds so fucking corny and stupid but it was so fucking beautiful. I am so honored that they chose to share that day with me.

So you know how I drove to Camprodon by myself? Well I somehow managed to make friends and convinced them to ride back with me so we had a full car on the ride back. One of the guys called us “equipo” which means team and that’s just what we call ourselves now. Apparently most people didn’t know each other before the wedding and so we had our own little group. When I tell you that each of us was such a unique character and I think that’s what made the dynamic so perfect amongst us. We all had something happen to us on the way up to the wedding and it was so chaotic and funny. When we got back to Barcelona, we had one last drink and Spanish tapas before splitting up. Delia, one of the girls, lives in Barcelona and refused to let me waste my 5 hours in town working so we spent the afternoon at a rooftop bar enjoying tapas and tequila — my fave. Spain truly changed me as a person, I swear.

I arrived back in Budapest at like 1 am but it was so worth it. Most nights I was going to bed at 3 am so it was really an “early night” in my book. I started to get really sad because I had absolutely fallen in love with Europe and how it made me feel. I loved being surrounded by my Hungarian coworkers because they tend to be more soft spoken or reserved on the zoom calls. I mean who can blame them? It’s tough to speak up when everyone else is in a room on the other side of the world. I felt so comfortable being open with them and I felt like they were comfortable being open with me. I really hope that that continues now that I’m back in New York.

On my last night, we made the executive decision to stay out all night because there was no way I was going to be able to wake up in time to be at the airport by 4 am. It’s like time didn’t exist for me when I was over there. We went to dinner and finally had some Hungarian Palinka. I don’t even know how to describe this type of alcohol to you. It’s both worse and better than vodka at the same time? That’s the best I can do. I guess we had a nicer one because I actually loved it — shocker! And it is served in these cute glasses specifically made for Palinka. Later we went to a hookah bar, which if you knew me in college you know that hookah is like one of my favorite things ever. We capped the night off with Pizza Me, which is the name of the pizza place that is open literally all the time. It’s ultra thin pizza and when I posted it on my story, all of my ny friends were like “wtf is that it looks gross” but I promise it tastes better than it looked.

I arrived at the airport and honestly I was so happy and sad at the same time. It was such a wonderful trip for so many reasons and I am so thankful that I was able to do it. I flew back on thanksgiving which is a holiday that I don’t really celebrate, it’s not really a Mexican holiday, but I associate it with my grandparents because they always got us together around this holiday in Texas. In the past, I of course would complain because I didn’t want to go but this year I didn’t even get the chance to complain, as it was the first thanksgiving without my grandpa. It fucking sucked, but it made me appreciate the things I do have and the opportunities I do get to experience. It made me realized what a privileged individual I am and it was such a humbling moment for me. I am so thankful that I can keep learning from him even though he’s not physically here; his presence is so strong still. He always saw the good in everything and that’s something I always admired. This trip was full of so many positive things that I can’t even list all of them but I’m very proud of the self growth, because that’s so hard for me, and I’m immensely thankful for crossing paths with some of the most amazing people I’ve met in my life.

Cheers xx

Marn