I Got A Job

!!!!!! I have no words. I’ve been keeping this a secret from you all for far too long. It’s been hard because I’m usually really upfront with everything that’s going on in my life, but I honestly couldn’t believe it for the longest time. I still don’t even believe it now as I am writing this. Even after it was officially official, I still was waiting for the other shoe to drop because I swear, the whole process was too easy and perfect. Finally, all of the Zoom interviews, coffee chats, cover letters and applications have paid off and let me tell you, it feels good.

I first interviewed with this company at the beginning of my job search. Even before the interview, I knew I wanted to work there but I never genuinely thought I could get a job there. Why? I don’t know. Self doubt? Impostor Syndrome? Both, probably. When I got laid off, I thought I was going to have to “settle” for a job and work my way up but as I started getting more comfortable with each interview across many companies and industries, I started to believe that I could get a job that was worthy of my Vice President title. To be totally honest, I had been questioning if I even deserved my title to begin with because I got it from a completely different side of the business at my last company and the process differs. Just corporate girlie things.

Anyway, I had applied and interviewed for this company for a few other roles and while I loved the company, the other roles weren’t a good fit on either end. I found myself trying to fit myself into a position that I wasn’t truly passionate about just because I wanted to find a job so bad. But knowing that this company is so big, I knew that there was something there for me. So I kept looking. One of my good friends from high school was laid off about a year ago or so (I think?) and she told me that she now works at a company where she was rejected more than once for other positions. I always tried to remind myself of that and it gave me the strength I needed with each failed attempt. Each attempt was one step closer to the right opportunity, but I really hoped that it would be at this company.

I actually got an email from the recruiter for this role like the day before or the day I was flying to Australia and I was so upset because I didn’t want to wait until I got back to have the first conversation. I offered to have it that same day or even during crazy Australia hours while I was in Melbourne but they were super understanding and said they had no problem waiting. Banks are not known for their speed so one work week was not really a big deal, which worked out in my favor, but selfishly I wanted to have the interview right then and there. I remember when I saw the position, I screenshotted and sent it to one of my friends and he has been pushing me to only apply for things that I really want to do and this posting didn’t have a sexy title, but when I read through the job description, it truly felt like it was written for me. What I miss the most about working, through unemployment and through a part of my previous role, is having purpose and being able to help make a difference in whatever I do. I know that sounds super vague but earlier in my career I used to work for a group that managed the customer service desk. Was that my dream scope of work? No, but I loved it and I thrived in it. I did data analytics for that group, who previously did their reporting via excel and had virtually no insights or analytics. For months after I left that role, I still had people reaching out saying that they missed me and wish they could have me help on what they were working on. I like to make an impact so it was super important to me to find a role that filled that need.

Despite my friend trying to dissuade me from applying, I had a feeling about this one and it was truly the first one that I felt very strongly about. I mean don’t get me wrong, the other rejections hurt, but I think just rejection in general hurts! And now that I think about it, every rejection led me here.

I had two interviews and I remember just clicking with the interviewers. We had very open and honest conversations and they didn’t really feel like interviews, which is my favorite kind of interview. In the first one, actually, the interviewer asked me what I knew about the role and why I felt like I would be a good fit. To be totally honest, I was having a hard time keeping all the roles straight in my mind because they were all pretty similar. Like I knew which role I was interviewing for but I couldn’t remember all of the specifics, even though I had just studied them prior to the call. I briefly referenced it while I was on the call and refreshed my mind and I was able to snap back into it and it was smooth sailing from there, or at least that’s what I thought. It was hard to read them and even though I had a good feeling, I had had good feelings before and they did not go my way. The next morning I woke up to an email asking for a second interview and it validated my positive feelings about the interview.

For the next interview, I misread the email and thought I was interviewing with someone with a title lower than the first one and so I thought this was going to be a peer that reported to the first person. As we started talking, I wasn’t getting peer vibes. It turns out he was the first person’s manager and I had misread the email and they were also an ED. Honestly, I’m kind of glad that I didn’t realize that until mid interview — not that I would treat them differently for their title, but the types of things they may be interested in would be different and I would have naturally been more nervous. At least this way I wasn’t psyching myself out all day, but it was just a little bit of a shock when I realized it mid interview hahaha.

Again, I had a pretty good feeling but I didn’t want to trust myself because I have been wrong before and I didn’t want to get my hopes up, you know? I told myself that I would only go off of cold, hard facts. The interviewer did tell me to expect to hear from the recruiter and to let them know if I had any other late round interviews or offers come up. Later, I did hear from the recruiter but it wasn’t definite. He said that he had received great feedback but that they had other interviews to conduct. I could live with that, but I actually got lazy and didn’t want to apply to any more jobs. This is the one I wanted and I started to put all of my eggs in this basket. Somewhere in between the two interviews, I heard from the job in Mexico that they went another way and I was hurt for like a second but also really happy that I wasn’t going to have to decline it after that long process. Quickly, my mind shifted back to this job and I got even more excited about it but time went by and I didn’t hear anything.

I reached out to the recruiter for an update and he said the team expected to have a decision by the end of the week but he didn’t really give me much more. I know I asked for the update but you can imagine how I was that whole entire week waiting for it. At this point I’m not sure if it was the same week or the next one but by the time Valentine’s Day rolled around, I was starting to lose hope.

Valentine’s Day is one of my favorite days of the year, along with my birthday and Halloween. Last year, I had a little lunch party at the office and partnered with some of the other groups to have lunch from Potbelly catered to the office for us and I ordered every single trinket from amazon that was heart shaped and pink or red. We had pens, squishy toys, valentines and God knows what else. We also made it a fundraiser and collected money for heart health organizations, so as Valentine’s day approached this year, I started to get sad because I wouldn’t be able to do it this year. I missed being part of the office culture and I was almost dreading my favorite day of the year.

When Valentine’s Day arrived, I decided to show myself love the best way I knew how: by going to the gym. I walked on the treadmill, worked out with my trainer, rotted in the sauna, lathered myself in free Khiel’s products in the locker room and took myself out for a banana nut bread and a protein shake from Joe and the Juice. I was on the train home when I received an email with the subject line: [ADDITIONAL INFORMATION REQUIRED] and the company name. I instantly started to panic until it finally clicked that these additional forms were a good thing. They asked for some personal information and I don’t even remember what else but I knew they wouldn’t ask me to do this unless they had plans to make an offer, or at least that’s what I told myself. When I got home, I flung my laptop open and went to log into the company portal when all of a sudden, my computer screen went blank. It wasn’t responding anymore and I started to panic because I had just told my mom I was planning on buying a laptop later that coming weekend and I couldn’t believe it died at this moment. Somehow I was able to get the damn thing to turn back on and filled out the forms as quickly as possible before my computer decided to sabotage me again.

A few moments later, I received an email from the recruiter who wanted to catch up and asked me for some available times for the next day. I figured if he was online sending emails, that he may be interested in talking in the moment even though it was outside of typical business hours. I responded immediately and said I was free like now and he called me right away. I remember getting butterflies seeing the company name on the caller ID. I still can’t believe it sometimes, but anyway, the recruiter let me know that this wasn’t an offer but that he was looking for a more exact salary number to take back to HR for approval. The next day passed and all I heard was radio silence. The recruiter never said he would call the next day but I was hopeful. On late Friday morning, I was trying to sleep in when I received a phone call and once again I saw the company name flash on my screen. I knew this call was going to be it or it was going to break my heart.

I tried to wake myself up quickly but it was the first time I was speaking that day and my voice was cracking. I tried my best to hide it but after all, my days of sleeping in are about to be over! It was the recruiter and he made the offer. I had always accepted whatever my previous companies had offered and had never even attempted or thought to negotiate. I was raised to think that if you work hard, it will be noticed and compensated but I now know that if you don’t ask you won’t receive. I remember when my mom got an offer once, I was trying to coach her to ask for more but she was like I don’t need more! Must be nice!!! Just kidding hahaha. So anyway, I wanted to at least try. I told the recruiter that I needed some time to think about the offer and would get back to him by the end of the day. While I wanted to play hardball, I wanted this to be over and done with and with a holiday weekend coming up, I knew I wanted to have the job secured. I sent him an email with reasons why I felt like I deserved and was asking for more and I can’t even take full credit here. I texted and called so many of my friends to ask for their advice and two of my friends who are married to each other and have massive jobs even helped me write my response. They pushed me to be more direct and not back down from my ask but I was so scared to send it. I knew I would regret it more if I didn’t even try, so I’m really proud for even bringing it up and shout out to my friends for literally holding my hand through it all.

Finally, I accepted an offer and I was over the moon but at the same time I couldn’t believe it. For threeish months, every day has revolved around applying for jobs and making as many connections as possible with my network. It was all consuming and I made it my full time job. There were a lot of challenges and emotions but when I verbally accepted, it felt like I was dreaming. I still didn’t want to claim victory until I had the signed offer in hand, but I was excited! I had a trip with friends to see my mom and show them around Kentucky and we were all so happy to have good news to celebrate. My mom was so relieved and so was I. I think we both felt immense pressure and stress through the whole thing — maybe even more than we originally thought — and it finally was going away. Because it was a holiday weekend, the recruiter told me I wouldn’t have the offer until Tuesday. Waiting has got to be the worst part, by far. The weekend came and went and finally I was back in New York and it was Tuesday. I also had my new laptop so I was ready to sign the offer when it came through!

Even after receiving and signing the offer, I still didn’t believe it. I kept telling the handful of people that knew that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Everything had been so easy for this particular role and maybe it’s just because this was the perfect role for me and me for the role. I’m happy to say that the other shoe has in fact not yet dropped and everything is still unicorns and rainbows. I went and got my fingerprints done for the background check and then I started packing. The recruiter told me that the background check takes 10ish + days to clear and I told him that that was fine because I needed to sneak one more trip to Mexico in for my grandma’s 89th birthday. He agreed and so we set my start date to sometime in March. That’s right, it’s coming up so soon!

I’m less than a week out but I still can’t believe it. It seemed like a long time but it also feels like it’s pretty quick to find a job, particularly in this market and during this time of the year. I am so proud of myself. Some days were better than others and it was so challenging for me to just exist and not really have purpose in my days. To be fair, I started eating super well and working out religiously as well as playing more and more platform tennis with my Long Island girls. It’s been so nice to do things that I love to do and that make me feel so good. I really don’t think I could have gotten through this time without my family, friends and personal trainer! She always says she’s so happy for me to have had this time for myself and I couldn’t agree more.

I didn’t know how long this unemployment period was going to last but I knew I didn’t want to be overweight and hurting everywhere anymore. While my personal training sessions are so expensive, they have provided me with the strength and discipline to train more consistently. They have been a form of therapy for me and I have truly never felt better — well I’m not gonna lie, I’m pretty sore today but still. I needed this time to check in with myself and to get my healthy habits established before I got back into the swing of things.

I’m still on cloud nine. I can’t believe it and I can at the same time. I know I worked my ass off to find a job but I really thought it would take longer and I thought I would have to “settle” for a job I wasn’t excited about or have to force myself into a role that I wasn’t quite the right fit for. In other interviews, I was trying so hard to get the interviewers to like me and tried to think of everything they would want out of a candidate, rather than being myself. I say this all the time to my friends, but finding a job is like dating. Let’s just disregard the fact that I’m terrible at dating for a sec, but the more comfortable I got meeting people and interviewing for so many roles, I started to find a lot of confidence in myself and I think that really translated in my later interviews.

For the role that I landed, it felt like a very equal interview, meaning that they were obviously interviewing me to see if I was a good fit but so was I. I wanted to make sure I found a manager that chose me and wanted me. Not that my previous ones didn’t but in the past, because of org changes and people taking other roles, I kind of felt like me and my team were being passed around like foster children. Yes, our foster parents loved us but it always felt sort of temporary and a little bit forced in a way? Don’t get me wrong, I have truly loved all of my former managers, but because I have a tendency to get very close to all of them, of course they irritate me and annoy me at times. Even my favorite manager who is one of my closest most trusted friends and mentors drives me insane to this day hahaha. He was my favorite person to work for and when he retired I was petrified because he was my comfort zone, my security blanked. My next manager was assigned to me so neither one of us really chose each other, but we had a great working relationship and to be totally honest, I was not expecting that. That’s why it hurt when I ultimately left shortly after I was promoted. Again, in my latest role I moved because I wanted to work under the leadership of someone specific and their team. That individual left 2 or 3 months into me moving over and my direct manager left 2 or 3 months after that. I loved my new manager and they were so kind and welcoming. They even went to my neurologist appointment with me because they knew how anxious I was about it given that I had skipped my appointment for years. Even though we had a great relationship, I feel like they got “stuck” with me in a way and while they made the best of it, it wasn’t a role they had chosen to manage our team.

Like I said before, I was obviously hurt and angry in the beginning of my unemployment because of the layoff but I have truly grown so much since then and I feel no anger or ill will towards my former manager or any of the other people that laid me off. Shit happens. I was already looking and in a way, I feel like this was their way of helping me get out. While I don’t know my new managers much yet, I’m excited to get to know them and start this new journey where the role is very specific and intentional. They have a need for something and I have the perfect experience and skillset for it. Sounds like a match made in heaven if you ask me!

I’m not oblivious enough to think that it will all be smooth sailing forever but a girl can dream, right? This role is more similar to the one I had when I was promoted, so I have confidence that I can do it but I feel like it’s bigger or maybe it’s the internal pressure that I naturally put on myself because of my former competitive athlete mentality. People have been asking me if I’m nervous to start and I’m truly more excited than nervous. To be totally honest, the thing I’m more nervous and scared about is being able to stay awake all day without a nap! I’m gonna need a Celsius or Starbucks sponsorship ASAP!

I’m trying to think of the other things that you would want to know about the role. I’ll still keep my VP title, which I didn’t know if it would be possible after being laid off. Honestly, the layoff didn’t affect my interview process much. I was nervous to speak to it in the beginning but I made it very clear even if they didn’t ask about it because I didn’t want people to think that I was ashamed of it or that I was hiding it. I mean… I was ashamed of it. It felt like a scarlet letter on my chest but because it’s (sadly) happening so often and across all industries, the interviewers didn’t even blink when I brought it up. At any company, for that matter. So that was a huge relief.

The role will be in Manhattan and my commute will be cut in half basically since I was commuting anywhere from 45-90 minutes each way before, now it will probably be anywhere from 25-40 minutes each way. I’ll get my discounted membership at my stupidly expensive gym again (thank God!!!!) and I’ll have all of the benefits that come with working at such a big, prestigious bank. They also happen to be the primary sponsor of one of my favorite tennis tournaments — I’ll let you guess which.

I don’t really know what else to say. Most of you probably stopped reading a long time ago and won’t even make it to here, but I know that those that kept reading until now are the same people that kept checking in on me to make sure I was okay. I have pretty bad depression and anxiety, even though a lot of you will read that and say you had no idea or couldn’t tell, and this could have brought me down so low. I mean, it did but I was able to get through it was because of the unwavering support and love I received in such a difficult time. I was truly lost and some people made sure I could keep getting up in the morning and fighting for myself. Some people called, texted, etc. Others invited me to come to their work or businesses to help out and pass the time — shout out Diamond Dan at Rare Diamond Club and of course Julio & Aurora Sosa at Dueto Salon. It truly showed me that I have an incredible support system even if I don’t notice it in my day to day. Ultimately, it was the reason why I chose to stop looking elsewhere outside of New York City.

On the other hand, this time really showed me that some people that I was, or at least thought I was, relatively close with weren’t necessarily there for me like I thought they would or should? I know people have their own things going on and I don’t fault them for prioritizing themselves but I need friendships and relationships that are gonna meet me in the middle somewhere. It’s not always going to be 50/50 but I need to see and feel the effort and mutual respect for our friendship, and with some people I did not, and that truly broke my heart. This happened with former coworkers and even friends outside of work that people perceive to be very close to me. Some of which will find out about my new job from this post and not from a personal text conversation because we haven’t spoken in so long. But that’s okay. I think people’s priorities shift and it’s okay to lose touch with some people and prioritize yourself or other things before other friends. Again, I don’t have any hate or ill will towards them but it’s very telling and now I know who I can depend on in difficult times and who maybe I can’t as much.

The “old” me would have made a huge deal and drama out of it but I’m just so tired. I don’t want to force or beg people to be my friend and to respect our friendship. Does it hurt? Yeah, a lot actually. But I don’t want to prioritize people in my life who aren’t willing to put in some effort and who aren’t prioritizing me. I think that this layoff really helped ground me because there are worse things that losing a couple of friends or acquaintances and these “losses” helped make the positives that much more positive.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Long story short, I got a job and I can’t wait for this new chapter :)

xx hangrymarn