No Rain, No Flowers

So sometimes I get in this weird mood where I’m like wow my life sucks, it would be better if I had this or if I had that and I just start spiraling out of control thinking about how much my life sucks. It’s no secret that I struggle with depression and yes, I take antidepressants, no shame whatsoever. But I really do believe that it has to be up to us to pull ourselves out of those deep dark holes. Not so say that medication doesn’t work, but that’s a different topic for a different day.

So what happens when you get into one of these slumps? What does it mean to be in this “episode”? Well, I think it’s different for different people. One of my friends just mentioned to me that depression is very different to each person and I guess I always knew that but never really thought of it that way, but it does make sense. We are all so different and unique and it makes sense that we have different triggers that spark different emotions. I can’t say that I’m the most cheerful person because I’m pretty realistic and there’s a very fine line between being realistic and being negative and I live right in the middle of that line. So sometimes it is easy to be realistic and start getting carried away into the blackhole that is the land of the negative. And once you find something wrong, it’s so much easier to piggy back off of that and keep finding all of the negatives. So how do you break that sort of cycle? Why wouldn’t you just avoid it if you know it’s happening. Sounds pretty easy, right? Well it’s not. I’m not a professional in this field, obviously, so I don’t really have all the answers. And as established above, depression manifests differently in different individuals.

Let’s go through one of these slumps. It’s not like you wake up and think Oh, I’m depressed today! Nope. For me, it’s like I woke up just feeling strange. I slept my normal amount and for some reason it feels like I slept but I didn’t rest at all. Nothing is wrong, but nothing feels just right. I can’t even describe it. Sometimes these slumps are caused by shitty weather or sometimes caused by things that stress you out. Anyway, it seems like my brain is just looking for something to complain about and then just spiral. Once I find it, I start being annoyed by everything. At first I complain, maybe to myself, maybe in my daily journal, maybe to my friends or family via text and then I just internalize all my feelings towards it. I start trying to avoid anything and everything that reminds me of this thing or feeling, as if ignoring it or pretending that it’s not there is going to actually make it go away. Writing this all down makes me sort of laugh, like it’s not a funny subject but it sounds so silly when I write it down or say it out loud. It seems so silly to expend so much energy on something so draining. I guess that’s why they call it a mental illness, because sometimes we don’t fully have control over what we are thinking. I don’t know, I’m not really here to tell you what causes depression or anything like that. I’m just rambling.

One of my favorite things to do, in a slump or not, is open my photos on my iPhone and scroll all the way back to the oldest picture. Then I just start scrolling through the different pictures. I find screenshots of conversations, selfies, videos, and all kinds of pictures of me having fun with friends or doing things I love. It honestly feels like traveling back in time because I have so many different feelings attached to each of those memories and the people in them. For me, I have a lot of friends that still live in Chicago where I went to school and I don’t get to see them nearly as much as I would like to and even less with this fucking global pandemic that’s going on — pls wear a mask!!! So when I find these old college pictures, I just start laughing and I get distracted from whatever I’m currently experiencing “today”.

Speaking of, that’s exactly what I did today. After several days of allowing myself to kind of like sulk in my depression, and after avoiding anything and everyone that would make me have real conversations, I laid down on my couch with my sweet cat and started going down memory lane. No, it’s not a “cure” but when I’m done scrolling, I’m always left feeling grateful for the life, friends, things that I do have. Scroll with me:

First up is the very first picture that I have on this iPhone. I have no idea why it’s the first, but it is. It’s from February 9, 2014 with one of my friends from Chicago, Kari. I’m literally laughing right now just thinking of all of the memories that this brings up. We were at her boyfriend’s house in Hyde Park, which is close to where Obama’s house is/was(?), and it was known as the clubhouse. Four golfers lived here and I blacked out here many times. Kari didn’t go to my university but I met her because her boyfriend and his roommates did go to my school. They transferred in my sophomore year (I think?) and I thought one of them was hot. I saw two of them at school one day and introduced myself to them thinking they were baseball players. Was really into baseball players at the time hahahah. They were on the golf team and in the end we all became really good friends and I bonded with Kari because she was a huge University of Kentucky fan. Big Blue Nation, Baby!

Speaking of baseball boys, meet two of my best friends in college. I lived in this apartment with one of the girls that played golf and honestly that apartment was massive. It was a 3BR but like the rooms were tiny and our rooms were on opposite sides of the apartment and the room in the middle was our closet. I honestly kind of miss this place and looking back, I really miss hanging out with these too and my roommate. This was probably one of the best roommates I had in college, which I didn’t realize at the time. Most importantly, we had a washer and dryer in the apartment, wow I had no idea how fucking blessed we were back then! We spent so much time with these two and they would just come over all the time and sometimes they would just like show up. We were our own little family of bros, and I loved it.

Ok, enough of college. Next picture is my train ticket to Forest Hills, which is where my tennis club is. My mom had shipped me this racquet because when I moved to NYC I swore that I would never play tennis again. Little did I know that I didn’t know how to make friends outside of work in the real world because I spent every waking moment playing tennis up until that point. I met literally some the best people here and they have really made this place my home. I even moved out of Manhattan and into Queens for this place. Before coming to NYC and even my first few years here I would have never thought that I would live anywhere else but in Manhattan but honestly, I can’t imagine living anywhere else now. Forest Hills forever.

Hahahha this picture makes me laugh so much because on this night, I knew Steph really was my best friend. I talked her into coming to this dinner with this guy I was like in love with and his roommate, who is also my friend. We were at the tennis club and had played tennis all day. She had already had a dinner there and then I finessed her into coming with me because I didn’t wanna go alone. We met them at ABC Kitchen where the food was amazing and in true NY fashion, pricey and with small plates. My friend, the roommate, loves eating and his plate was so small. I don’t even remember what he got. Then we got my friend one of the birthday dessert things even though he hates celebrating or making a big deal about his birthday. Steph was still living in her old place and after dinner we decided that we were gonna go drink at her place and then go out. She still didn’t know me THAT well and she didn’t know that I went to sleep at like 9pm. I remember we had dinner a little on the later side and after lots of wine (hehe) we went back to her place to drink. We had big plans to go to my favorite place, La Esquina, that night but when we got to Steph’s apartment I laid down on her couch and fell asleep. Mind you, she had never met my friends and I was just passed out on her couch. They played ping pong and watched an animal documentary, all while I was sleeping. We clearly didn’t make it out to the bar and when I woke up I called an Uber and went home. But wait. I fell asleep AGAIN in the Uber and when I got home, I noticed that I had two sets of keys in my bag: mine AND Steph’s. Which meant, that if Steph left her apartment, she would be locked out. Hahahah On this night, I learned that I was a shitty friend and that Steph was gonna be a great friend. I have no idea how she still puts up with me.

Up next: Miami with my best friends, what could go wrong? Welllllllll, just about 24 hours before this photo was taken, my boyfriend and I broke up. It was dramatic and ugly and honestly traumatizing and I literally almost cancelled my trip. Steph and I took the later flight and met the girls down in Miami. While we were drinking and crying (me), we managed to lose Steph’s passport. I blame Jet Blue for all of the fucking flight delays. Anyway, this picture makes me happy because even though I was going through a horrible break up, I knew my girls would always be there for me and they literally let me do whatever I wanted, including letting me sleep in the box where we were invited to at the Miami Open. We had never ending champagne and we had just done bottomless brunch. I could barely sleep and I was a mess, but we made it through. Little did I know, things were about to get much worse than a breakup with my mom being diagnosed with fucking breast cancer that same weekend. Which brings me to the next and final picture of today’s post.

Ok, so yeah, that sucked but at least it got my mind off the break up (a little). My mom had to have two lumpectomy surgeries and honestly we were all scared shitless. My grandparents met me in Kentucky and we were all together, thankfully. Even Lola made the trip. After the surgeries, my mom had to go through many radiation treatments but thankfully no chemo treatments. Her body really responded well to the treatments because her skin didn’t really show burn marks until like the last 2 weeks of treatment. She had to go in like 5 days a week for like 8 weeks I think. It was brutal, and she hated it but she did it. She never complained, she just fucking did it. My mom and I have had our fair share of differences lately but looking at this picture I remember how strong she really is and has always been. She didn’t even tell me about her initial appointments because they were all happening while Keith and I were breaking up so she didn’t want to upset me. Like, how selfless is that? So yeah, this picture brings up a lot of bad memories but you know what they say, no rain, no flowers! And my mom is a fucking badass flower.

That’s honestly a great place to end this. No rain, no flowers. Try not to focus on the bad/negative things only. It’s okay to acknowledge them, but there’s always something positive that we can draw from every situation and that’s the bit of advice that I’m taking with me into this next week. I know we are all sick of the election drama and then COVID infection rate. Every week seems just like the last but let’s be thankful for the things that we have and keep on keeping on. Thanksgiving is coming up and even though this year has sucked, we have a lot to be thankful for.

As always, thanks for listening to me ramble. Have the best week

xx marn