So My Friend Passed Away
I always hate the question “where are you from?” or “where is home?” I’m the type of person that leaves a little piece of my heart wherever I go and though I may seem like the ice queen, I really am super emotional.
I was born in Mexico — Ciudad Juarez, to be specific. It’s just opposite the El Paso, Texas border and that’s where my dad’s side of the family lives. My mom’s side of the family is from Mexico City and now resides in Puebla, Mexico. When I was seven, my mom moved to good ole Louisville, Kentucky for work and after a few months, I moved with her. Despite moving to the States, I still felt like Mexico was home, and even after all these years, I still do. I would spend most if not all of my summers visiting my family in Mexico and looking back at it now, I can’t believe how lucky I was to grow up like that.
Living in all of these places allowed me to have many homes and with that, came many different friends. I had my school friends, my tennis friends, my Mexico friends. My friends from Mexico and I created a very unique bond that I’m not really sure I’ll be able to put into words. I spent the least amount of time with them and loved them all just as much as my other friends that I spent three times as much time with. It never really made sense to me, but we went through so many things together that I can’t help but smile at the memories now that I’m writing this. We played tennis together, we spent all day and all night together, we got drunk for the first time together, we fell in love together, we did it all.
One of those friends — actually one of the ones I spent the least amount of time with — just recently passed away. But just because we spent the least amount of time together doesn’t mean anything. If anything, the time we did spend together meant even more. I loved him and I don’t know that I realized how much I loved him until I realized that I could never tell him that again.
He passed away a few months ago and I think it’s taken until just now to be able to talk, or in this case, write about it. I’m pretty good at confronting other people when something is off and I’m pretty good at confronting myself as well, but this time was different. It hurt to even think about the good memories and even more about the times when we argued over nothing. I watch movies and TV shows where young people die and in my mind, I just think about how it’s just a movie or it’s just a tv show, that will never happen to me or anyone I know. It is true, though. It is just a movie/tv show, until it’s not.
As I got older and continued to go back to Mexico to visit, I went less and less. It makes sense… I mean I didn’t have the three-month summer break anymore. I would do anything to have that kind of summer again, ha! As the years passed, our group of friends changed, understandably so because we all changed as people as well. One summer when I was still in college (I think?), and I went to Mexico, but I remember I was there for a little less than I usually was. This guy wasn’t in my normal friend group but my friends knew him and he knew them, but they didn’t hang out. My friends and I were going out that night and I said I would let him know where we ended up and I never did and I just left him on read. The next morning when I texted back he never responded and we lost touch for a few years.
We lost touch but I kept up with what he posted and our families were good friends so he was never too far. I always felt really bad about being a piece of shit and not responding that night and wondered if things would ever be the way once were. To my surprise, they were. Last summer when I had the brain tumor scare, I posted a blog and it made its way to his phone. I remember feeling so scared at that time and just really unsure of what was going to happen. My mom and I had just had our worst argument ever and it was just a horrible time. One night when I couldn’t sleep (very rarely does that ever happen), I received a voice note from him and I was genuinely paralyzed. When I listened to it, my heart was broken. He was so upset that we had lost touch to the point that he had to find out about my health from a post on Facebook and at that time we didn’t really know anything about the tumor or the situation. We didn’t know if we would see each other again or what having the tumor meant.
Since then, we promised to be in each other’s lives as much as we could despite the distance. Given the pandemic, we couldn’t make the trip, either way, to see each other so we were just waiting. We spoke every day in the meantime and we finally had our friendship back. It was nice having someone who didn’t know anything about my life in NY and it was nice knowing about his life again. We both had our struggles but we were there for each other until we weren’t.
I knew that he was going through some things and I tried to be there for him. The distance really takes its toll on any kind of relationship and part of me didn’t want to get too attached to someone that was so far away. We each had our own things going on and that was fine. He wrote me a few days before he passed away and again, like all those years ago, I didn’t respond. Why? I have no idea. I’m extremely moody and sometimes I just don’t feel like talking to anyone. I guess that was the case that night and just a few days later I heard the news.
It’s hard to revisit that moment and bring back the feelings at the time. I felt everything and I felt nothing. I felt sick and angry and upset. My friend called me and though I try to be the strong friend, this really knocked the wind out of me. I was borderline hyperventilating while I was trying to explain what had happened. She came over almost immediately and brought me some candy and just listened to me ramble on about everything that I was feeling.
I’ve been lucky in the sense that I haven’t really had to deal with a ton of death in my life, and certainly not for some time, until now. I genuinely never expected something like this to happen and it took me a long time to kind of forgive myself or try to begin to forgive myself. I spent countless nights punishing myself for all of the mistakes I had made throughout our friendship until I realized that none of that was going to bring him back. I hadn’t felt grief and sadness like that in a very long time and because I hadn’t had to deal with that often, it was definitely uncharted territory. I tried to write in my journal, listened to all of his voice notes, and read through all of our messages — yes, even the ones from all those years ago. I cried, a lot, but eventually found gratitude for having crossed paths with him in the first place.
He was a beautiful soul. Artistic, free-spirited, and unique in the best way possible. He brought incredible energy to everything that he did and he made me laugh even when I was in the worst moods, which as we all know is hard to do. I’m so grateful for that bond we shared. I’m so grateful for the trust that he put in me and even more grateful for his kind heart that forgave me time and time again. He truly helped me become a better person and I don’t know that I ever told him that and if I did, then I certainly didn’t do it enough. So thank you, my sweet friend, for everything. I’ll love you forever. RIP <3
Make sure that the people you love, know how much they mean to you.
