Sunshine

You all have made me feel so special and loved in the past week. I truly have no words. Thank you.

I’m back in NYC and I could not be happier to be back. I love traveling and discovering new places and seeing my family but there is just something about being home that makes me feel at ease. Wearing that damn mask all the time was causing my skin to break out around my chin and after being back home with my regular skincare products, my skin literally cleared up overnight. Just something about being home.

So yeah, the past week has been kind of a nightmare and a blessing all in one. I’m still in shock from the sort of diagnosis that I got in Louisville regarding my brain tumor but have yet to confirm it with other doctors. If you see me around, you will probably find that I’m trying very hard not to worry about it. My goal this year when I started therapy was to stop focusing and expending energy on things I can’t control and really hone in on the things that I can control. I tend to be really hard on other people and try to hold everyone to the highest standard possible, just like I do for myself, but we are all different and I am trying not to worry about what other people are doing and just focus on me and my reactions. With this tumor, we don’t know if it’s malignant or benign yet, but the doctors don’t seem crazy worried which makes me think that they don’t think it’s malignant or dangerous. Again, still have to get other opinions, it’s on my todo list this week — I swear! But until I get other opinions, and even after I get them, there is no reason to panic. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and we can only control so much. We will cross that bridge if and when we get there.

I’ve spent so much time in literally my entire life worrying about what other people are doing and it’s such a waste. We can’t project our standards onto other people because at the end of the day, they are the ones that will define their own standards. I have such a type A personality and yeah, I wish I could control everything. I’m a perfectionist and sometimes it’s great and other times it sucks. Just trying to find a balance that works for me.

I’ve never been the type of person to be “carefree” because of the way I am but this new attitude has helped me a lot. I still have a lot to learn and so much room to grow but truly letting go and allowing yourself to have fun is amazing. It’s a feeling I cannot describe. Theres this quote that’s like surround yourself with people that feel like sunshine and when I first read that I was like what the fuck does sunshine feel like. But when you meet people that feel like sunshine, it just clicks for you. I’m not even going to try to name the people in my life that feel like sunshine but I’m sure they know who they are. And to those people, I say thank you — you have changed my life.

I think that COVID and quarantine and all of this has really opened my eyes and changed my entire perspective of everything. I genuinely feel so grateful for everything and everyone that I have in my life. This virus has challenged us and turned our lives upside down, but to be honest, it has made me so aware and careful. At first I was overly cautious and wouldn’t leave my apartment (for like 61 days or something like that). During that time, I felt extremely grateful for my job and my apartment that I have by myself. So many people were furloughed or laid off and it broke my heart. For those that were lucky enough to keep our jobs, we had more work than we probably ever had before but this allowed me to finish tasks at unimaginable speeds and showed me that I was capable of so much more. The virus pushed me to reach for more.

Yeah, COVID sucks so much. There aren’t enough cuss words to satisfy my hatred for it and this new reality that we live in. But we have the chance to change our mindset and frame things in a positive light. Sure, it’s easy to focus on all of the shitty things that it has brought to our lives, but it’s so empowering to focus on the little golden nuggets of positivity that have grown from this.

This doesn’t just apply to COVID either. This is for everything. In college, I was nearly kicked off my tennis team for being so negative. To be fair, I didn’t know how severely depressed I was at the time but still, no excuse for it. I feel like such a different person now, almost 8 years after I went to college… Our energy is what introduces us when we walk into a room and I don’t know how or why and I know this sounds crazy but I can feel people’s energy. I can tell if I’m going to like someone usually after the first time I meet them because of the energy that they bring to the table. No one wants a negative Nancy raining on everyones parades all the time. Now just to be clear, I was such a negative Nancy and still not the most positive person. In fact, I’m extremely realistic and factual so that can often be misunderstood as pessimistic behavior. Like with everything, we need to find a balance. It’s not always unicorns and rainbows, but trying to focus on the things we can control, like our attitude towards shitty situations, can go a long way.

So this week, I challenge you to try to take a step back and find a shitty situation in your life that you are unhappy with and try to find one positive thing that is coming from or will come from it. Find some rays of sunshine this week and let me know in the comments.