Plot Twist: I Got Mad @ Work

Omg, I have to rewrite this entire blog because Lola was sleeping on my hand while I was editing and she accidentally pressed the undo button on my mouse, and all of a sudden everything was gone. It just happened so fast and I was furious when it happened but it kind of goes along well with today’s topic — I got mad at the office for the first time. 

I know what you’re thinking. You’re not surprised I got mad, you’re surprised it took nearly 3 weeks to get there. Don’t worry, I thought it too. Ever since I realized this was the position I wanted, before meeting the interviewers, even, I was always on the lookout for something to go wrong. It just seemed too good to be true in every aspect. When I read the job description I felt like it was written for me specifically. It wasn’t because I didn’t know anyone there. Then when I had my interviewers, I really clicked with both of the managers and with the recruiter. Usually, I’m so guarded and it’s rare for me to click with people like that. Especially through a silly little screen on Zoom. What a world we live in, right? Like, imagine telling your younger self that you were going to be getting jobs while you’re still in the sweatpants that you slept in with a blazer and blouse on top. That’s still so crazy to me. 

Anyway, I need to give you some context so that you can understand why I got mad in the first place, and to do that I have to explain to you what I do. If you’re anything like me, then you probably have no idea, truly, what your friends do for work. For me, I think all of my friends run shit at their companies and they kind of do. Especially the ones I know from my tennis club, they are all wildly successful in their industries. I was scrolling on LinkedIn the other day on the way home and I saw my friend had reposted a job posting from someone at his company. Having struggled to find a job myself, I have made it my whole life’s mission to help others find jobs and you can support that by just liking, commenting, or reposting posts on LinkedIn. It’s easy and I don’t have to be super involved. So that’s what I did, I liked or reposted my friend’s repost. When I got home, I had a text from another friend who asked me about the position I had interacted with. He asked me who the poster was and I said I had no idea but I think he works for my friend. It turns out the poster was my friend’s boss and not the other way around but until I found out, it never occurred to me that anyone could be above my friend. His wife is also a badass and runs shit at her company too so I just assume they both run the company in their regions. Even though I know that’s not entirely true, I’ll always believe that hahaha. To be honest, they’re both well on their way, so this can just be me manifesting that for them. 

I probably didn’t need to go off on a tangent, but here we are. Now I KNOW you guys don’t think I run shit at my company LOL but you probably don’t know what I do. I work in data analytics and specialize in visual analytics and storytelling. You still probably don’t know what I do. I take data from many different places and put it together to make it make sense. After I understand how it was created, how it changes, and how it interacts with other data points, I create interactive dashboards, reports, executive presentations, etc. Essentially, anything visual that helps people consume, understand, and digest the information and insights, which are used to make business decisions based on facts. You don’t really need to know the ins and outs of what I do but I guess it’s good for you guys to know at a high level what I do. The important thing here is that it’s a very analytical and technical function but it has this sort of marketing and creative component to it. It’s not skills that are widely taught together, at least not until recently. Usually, you either learn the technical piece or you learn the business intelligence piece but to be truly great at it, you need to master both. Ironically enough, I came across this graphic on LinkedIn today:

My new team does not do what I do at all. For the most part, they are all doing the same function but covering different types or variations of that function. You don’t need to know what they do other than the fact that it is completely different from what I do. It’s not a technical role that they have but they, like any group or business, can benefit from understanding their data and using it to be more efficient and knowledgeable in their space. The problem for me here is that I can only learn about what they do from them, and that’s great. I’ve learned a lot from them about the role and the team and the larger organization and how that fits into the company's larger goals but to do what I do, I have to understand how their actions translate into data points. What does it look like in terms of data? That’s not always something they can answer and that’s okay, but it leaves a gap for me that I have to fill with other resources. 

The other thing that is critical to my type of work is that there is a solid foundation. Think about building a house, not that I know a single thing about building houses, but you need a solid foundation before you can get to building the actual house and you need the house to be built before you can paint the walls and hang expensive art all over the place. Same thing here, but the foundation in this case is the way the data is structured and the quality of the data. This is a huge problem across companies that existed before the digital age, like mine. Before, there wasn’t a standard way to track data and therefore, people tracked things in their way. We can’t just discard historical data because it doesn’t look the same as each other or as it does now, so there has to be a lot of transforming and normalizing of data so that we can use it to compare to the new and current data that we are generating. Needless to say, this is a problem for me in my role. The team and company have done a great job of making things work the way they are but having come from a role where we owned the center of excellence of data for our division, it’s hard for me to not have that. It’s not that the data is wrong or anything, it’s just that it’s everywhere, and stitching it together has been more difficult than I expected. A lot of the steps currently depend on a person physically having to intervene or do something, which is not the best practice. Ideally, everything would get built once and then just automated from then on. 

The third piece fueling my anger this week was mostly me but realistically it’s the fact that I’m new. I don’t have a financial background and though I worked at a bank for many years, I worked on the tech side and when I was on the business side, it was a different type of business than I’m covering now. Additionally, this company feels like it’s 6x the size of any other company I’ve worked at before. Like, it’s massive! Naturally, they have a ton of offerings and frankly, most of you reading this probably have a better understanding of the offerings they provide than I do. Hahaha. Starting a new job is much like starting at a new school in the middle of the year. You have to meet new people and make new friends — hate that. But you also have to meet your teachers, and managers in this case, and understand and get used to how they work. So basically, it’s all of my least favorite things wrapped into one experience. It’s hard to learn a new business, it’s hard to learn new ways of working, it’s even hard to make new friends but all of that at the same time? It’s a lot. I have terrible, crippling anxiety and all of these things make me so anxious, imagine them all together. I don’t do myself any favors because I lean into the anxiety and go into these worst-case scenarios in my head that, you guessed it, results in even more anxiety. It’s a vicious cycle, let me tell ya! 

I truly put so much pressure on myself and I think that’s the main driver of the issues I’ve faced this week. One of the best parts about being new is that people know that you’re new and they are so much more willing to help when you’re new, or at least I think so, than later on. Also, they don’t expect you to get it right on the first try but Marnie being Marnie, I have put immense pressure on myself to get up to speed as fast as possible. One of the perks of the type of work that I do is that I could do it for any sector, industry, business, whatever. I really only need to understand the relationship of the data and I can do something with it. That’s why when I was applying to things in the beginning, I applied to all kinds of companies and I only had one resume because the skills don’t need to change. It’s always I did x to enable analysis which yields actionable insights resulting in profit, revenue, reduction in time, energy, or money spent, etc. I have to say that literally no one has asked me to do or finish something by a specific date, and you’re probably like duh! I’m still new, of course, no one is going to expect anything out of me. But I have to tell you that the layoff really traumatized me but even before that, I had really high standards for myself. I am extremely hard on my friends but you have no idea how hard I am on myself. And maybe, to quote Kendall Jenner here, “I’m literally just built as an athlete.” Hahaha, I do think that it’s because I’ve played tennis my whole life and have been comparing myself to my freaking grandmother who is a fucking tennis legend, or to my grandpa who was also a pro player and played #1 at Lamar with Cliffy Drysdale or to my mom and uncle who were national champions in Mexico and played Division I tennis at TCU and NC State respectively. Recently I was at nationals for platform tennis (not a flex, literally anyone can sign up lol) I told my partner as we were going into a tiebreaker that I loved tiebreakers. She looked at me like I was absolutely insane and tbh I kind of am, but I told her that I loved them because it’s so easy to focus and lock in for 7 or 10 points. Maybe I’m exhausted and mentally fried, but I can push my limits for 10 points. We went on to win the tiebreaker and she was so happy, as was I. But in that moment she realized just how crazy I am, in a good way. I bring that craziness everywhere I go, work included. I like pressure and I like to think that I thrive under pressure but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have a lil mental breakdown while going through it. 

That’s what happened this week. I was trying to hide my crazy from my team because, well, it’s crazy! Every time they asked me to do something I would always try to do it as quickly as possible, but take my time enough to do it right. In the past, I was a bit more hesitant to ask questions, but for this role, I’ve been very upfront about not knowing anything about anything and prepping my team to expect a lot of questions and to not judge me hahaha but I still feel silly asking questions. Especially when I ask questions that I know for a fact they have explained to me before, but it’s normal to not absorb everything the first time around. The first week I was so fried that when I went to dinner with two of my close friends and they asked if they could invite someone that they wanted me to meet, I immediately shut it down because my brain literally could not receive any more new information. I just couldn’t. That’s how overwhelming this new role has been for me. 

So, I was asked to produce a report, but it was more of like pulling data for a specific use case. Seems simple right? Wrong. I told you earlier that the data is not a strong foundation and the way that different types of data interact with each other is very manual and cumbersome. Additionally, I had to do everything in Excel worksheets. I didn’t have access to the main data source, which I still don’t know if it’s a proper database or data warehouse because the person responsible for it currently has been OOO. I’ll report back. When I tell you that I tried to pull the data and do the manual stitching of the data, it took me hours. Not because I’m stupid and can’t do it but because it’s just so complex to remember all of the intricacies and caveats. Think about like an if statement for every single data point. If x = abc then use 123 and 00203 if x = xyz then use 789 and lmnop and then do that for every business rule. It was so hard to keep track of everything and the learning style that they wanted me to use was trial and error, which is my least favorite. Like I’m down to try but if I’m not getting it then throw me a freaking life raft or something. Point me in the right direction. This went on for over a week, and taking a week to do simple look-ups is BEYOND me. I don’t know how that’s even possible. Each time I sent what I thought was right, it was met with a quick response, like I’m talking seconds. “This is not right because of __”. Back to the drawing board. This went on over and over. 

I was breaking down. It was Friday and I had a flight to Miami and after one last “this is not right” I decided to say fuck it and save it for Monday. *slams laptop shut til Monday*

I thought about working on the flight back but I want to be very intentional with the boundaries that I set, not only for my team but for myself as well. It’s so easy to just walk 5 steps to my desk in my apartment and just start working or even, as I’m doing now, lay on the couch and work while watching Grey’s Anatomy for the 900th time. It’s not that I’m unwilling to work on the weekends, but I don’t need to. I mean if I have been working on this for over a week, what’s a couple more days? 

When I got back to the office on Monday, I was a new woman. I was beaming both physically and figuratively because I was tan again and the glow was glowing! No, but really, I was so refreshed and recharged and my hangover was finally gone. I was ready to seize the day. Ready to make this task my bitch! It didn’t take long for me to spill my coffee everywhere and then when I went to open the freaking Excel workbooks, I still didn’t know how to make them not wrong. I was getting so flustered and the last piece of guidance I had received was to take my time on it. I thought I was taking my time on it. I knew that they had the answers on how to make it right and after 12 or so attempts, I was irritated that A) I wasn’t getting it on my own and B) they were watching me struggle, fully knowing the answer. My skin began to feel hot and my face was getting flushed, which you couldn’t tell that much anymore — shout out to my tan. I could feel my frustration reaching a breaking point because I didn’t want to do this anymore. I don’t like to struggle for this long and it felt like I just couldn’t get anything right. I also had other things that I actually wanted to work on, that I knew they were going to like and make them see the value of hiring me. But I was chained to this task that I could not figure out. 

As I write about this, it seems so silly that I was getting so worked up about this but it just shows how powerful your mind coupled with your emotions is. All of this was stemming from internal pressure and standards that I had set for myself. I had no deadline or rush to finish this but the voice in my head told me that they would think less of me with each day that passed by. Your mind believes what you tell it if you tell it enough times. I was spiraling out of control and I felt like a volcano ready to erupt. What was worse than not getting this thing right? Blowing up over something like this in front of my new team and manager. I knew I couldn’t let that happen, so I tried to breathe and calm myself down at my desk but that didn’t work. I decided to step away from my desk and I went to the biggest stall in the bathroom and locked the door. I just stood there and took my blazer off because I was overheating. I was so angry and disappointed in myself. How could I not figure this out? And why was I letting it get to me so much? I could feel the beads of sweat forming on my forehead and all I cared about in that moment was not sweating through my outfit hahahah. I could wipe the tears off my face but sweat stains are forever! I felt the tiniest tear trickle from my left eye. That’s always the first one to break and I knew I had to stop it somehow. I stood there feeling like an idiot and not knowing what to do. 

I started to take slow, deep breaths. I was also trying to be quiet because there were other people in the bathroom and I didn’t want their first impression of me to be that I was a lunatic, crybaby. It only took a few deep breaths to calm my thoughts and to stop them from the downward spiral they were on. I started telling myself facts — I’m a data person, and of course, I’m going to use cold hard facts to calm me down. The facts were that no one was putting pressure on me to do this quickly. The facts were that they knew I was struggling and chose to not give me the answer anyway and that meant that they wanted me to figure it out on my own because they felt like I could. The facts were that I am an extremely intelligent person who is capable of understanding complex topics. The facts were that I was a 29.99-year-old VP about to cry in the bathroom at my new job. 

I gathered myself and put my blazer back on. I went and filled my water bottle with as much ice as it could fit and filled that sucker up with cold water. I walked back to my desk, rolled up my sleeves, and got to work. I started over rather than trying to decipher which parts of what I did were right or wrong. I wiped the slate clean to wipe my thoughts from my mind as well. Each time I felt like I was stuck or starting to get frustrated again, I would take a deep breath and take a step back. Was the last thing I did right? Did it make logical sense? Could I confirm that through any of the notes that I took in the prior days from my previous conversations? I found stable ground when I based my decisions and emotions on facts and reality and within the hour I was able to finish it and send it over. I figured it would be closer to the end product but I figured there would still be some mistakes. Suddenly, I received an IM that said it was perfect. My initial response was “Wait, really?” Hahaha, my boss laughed and walked over to me and asked me why I thought it wouldn’t be right. “Impostor Syndrome, I suppose” I responded. We laughed and talked through some of the learnings and nuances. 

It was a test. It was a test to see how I learned and how I thought through things. Being able to figure it out inspired confidence in me and my abilities. It was kind of like a test to gauge what I can and can’t do so I’m happy I was able to knock that off my list. Finishing that freed me up to do the things I wanted to do but it also empowered me and enabled me to do those things better. I had learned so much about the data that we’re working with from that freaking exercise and when I started to build the dashboards, I began to solidify concepts and understand complex parts of their world. Or I guess now, our world.  

Recently, when applying to a volunteer position I was asked how I handle conflict and I find that it’s similar to when I deal with anything difficult. I had to be totally honest because lying is not something I’m good at and the people know me pretty well. I said that while I don’t think that I’ve always handled conflict well in the past, I have truly matured and grown in the way that I handle things. I was all about causing big scenes and being confrontational in the past but now I am much better at taking a step back, acknowledging the feelings I’m experiencing, and then taking action. One thing that I’ve learned too is that sometimes no action is the best course of action, and that’s been a hard lesson to learn. I think that emotions have such a bad reputation in general but in the workplace as well, but having intense emotions is a core characteristic of who I am. When I am passionate about something, I give it my all and I don’t stop until it gets done and it gets done right. I take everything personally because I take pride in the work that I do. I can’t really half-ass things — it’s either all or nothing and sometimes that’s a good thing and other times it’s not. Because people think that being emotional is a sign of weakness or that it’s considered unprofessional they don’t know how to handle people that are super emotional or they are turned off by too many emotions. I don’t think that it’s wrong or right but I will say that you will always know where you stand with me and how I’m feeling, whether you want to or not. 

This week was definitely not my best out of the three weeks that I’ve been back working but that’s the thing, it’s only been three weeks. I’m still learning how this company works and how I want to work. I feel so different from the person I was when I was in my old role and from the person who was laid off several months ago. The layoff forced me to grow and it gave me a new perspective on work and just life in general. You guys know how much I hate saying that things were a blessing in disguise, but this is not disguised in the slightest. It was a blessing through and through and I am so grateful to have the opportunity to continue to learn and to grow. One thing is for sure, I am gonna continue to make mistakes, get mad and frustrated, and probably continue to have inappropriate word vomit in front of executives. So cheers to that. 

xx Marn

PS- I consolidated all of the links and discount codes for things that I actually use, including the Rent the Runway subscription. Check it out: