A Day In My Life: Chaotic Thoughts

I’ve been having such bad writers block. Like for the past two weeks I’ve written maybe 4 or 5 shitty blog posts and you guys deserve the best so those have been scrapped. I figured I would document my entire day and my thoughts around each activity and see if it’s worth sharing. If you know me, you know that I always have unhinged commentary for everything that happens. This may get scrapped like the others but if you’re reading this then we made it out of the drafts!

For reference, it’s Valentine’s Day.

6:40 AM —

I hit the snooze for the first time. Roll over and cuddle Lola and fall back asleep. Lately Lola has been so cuddly and she literally has to sleep right next to my face. I think it’s because I’ve been traveling so much and she misses me, or at least that’s what I tell myself. She’s such a little drama queen, though, even when I leave for the day she throws a fit. Actually now that I think about it, she’s probably just hustling me for treats. She loves the Temptations treats but we just discovered some from my new favorite place, Trader Joes and she goes absolutely buck wild for them

7:05 AM —

Fuck! I was supposed to be up 10 minutes ago, at the latest. I jump out of bed and rush to get ready. No time to brush my hair so it’s suddenly a hat day. I hate playing platform tennis with a hat on but I hate brushing my hair more. Pick your battles baby. 

7:35 AM —

I indulge in a cheat meal for breakfast at McDonald’s. I figure it’s better to eat something rather than nothing even though it’s not the best (literally the worst) of meals. BEC bagel with a hash brown — it’s just too good to resist. I know I’m working out a ton this week so I let myself have it but I know I will regret having it later. I don’t want to be so strict with myself all the time but I probably could have done without the bacon or hash brown lmao. Maybe I should have just skipped breakfast but it’s too late now. What can I say, ya girl loves Mickey d’s. What’s done is done.

7:50 AM —

Our paddle match was supposed to be yesterday but the “snow storm” forced us to move it. Usually NY isn’t one to exaggerate or overreact to weather but it was not that bad this time.

I hop on LIRR and head to Long Island for my platform tennis match. I’ve been loving playing platform tennis. It’s silly and funky because it looks like tennis but it’s not at all. It’s in a smaller court and it resembles padel but it’s in a wire cage rather than a glass walls. You usually only play it in the winter and it’s nice to get fresh air. It’s been really nice to throw myself into that during this time off because let’s face it, I have nothing better to do. Except maybe look for a job, but man I need a break sometimes. Usually I rent a ZipCar because I hate transferring trains on the LIRR because there’s always an issue on there but sadly, it is way cheaper so I can’t really justify renting a car each time. #responsible

This time, my teammate offered to pick me up so it wasn’t that bad. Shout out Carole - you’re the MVP for that. We went on a scavenger hunt to find some Celsius, which I know everyone and their mother has been obsessed with lately. I’m very sensitive to caffeine actually but these are worth the shakes. Also, why do they taste like mimosas? They’re such a vibe but they’re kind of expensive to buy one off so I try to find a flavor that I like and just order them on amazon. My faves are mango passion fruit (bubbly) and green tea mango (not bubbly).

9:30 AM —

Showed up to Garden City Country Club to play our platform tennis match. I’ve never played with my partner before this but she is so sweet and a good player. I don’t really love meeting new people all the time because it’s exhausting but I really like it in platform tennis because I’m still so new to it so it’s fun to meet new people and get new games because that’s how you learn.

I always have to check the vibe of my opponents and I wasn’t sure about them this time, to be honest and we didn’t have any issues, which was great. Except for the time when they said I was reaching over the net when I was basically on the freaking baseline. They were talking about it to each other like really loudly and it really pissed me off. Like… that’s not why they were losing. Sorry not sorry.

Is it just me or does everyone play better when they get pissed? Maybe I’m just too competitive. Like look at this video of my shaking hands with this girl that was a massive cheater in college. I’m pretty sure I lost the first set 6-0 LOL but I was so annoyed and I came back and won bc I was so angry.

11:50 AM — 

Back to the train station. I have to get to lower Manhattan, which at this point seems further than going to another country since I hardly go into the city these days. I kept my gym membership at the Wall Street location and figured that I would see if I could stick to going and then depending on where I get a job, I can reassess the all-access or a new location. Also, my personal trainer is down there and I absolutely adore her so they are both definitely worth the hike. However, I realize that I need to find some food beforehand so I don’t pass out because my trainer has too much faith in me, I swear. She’s always adding extra weight and reps. “Let’s do two more” is a sentence that haunts me in my dreams. This is like our 8th month working together and she is a queen. She doesn’t overwhelm me with the workouts and she listens to me when I tell her how my body is feeling. We make decisions together based on my schedule and how my injuries are doing and it feels so nice to be heard. Best decision I’ve made in a while. Suddenly, I’m totally regretting and kicking myself for the shitty breakfast decisions. The worst part about eating shitty is that I’m spending a ton of time working out and getting my nutrition right so it feels like such a waste or lack of discipline to eat poorly.

Anyway, I don’t want to dwell too much on that. The gym used to be a place where I spent a lot of time, particularly in college and I loved it but over the past few years it’s been a place I dreaded. Not because I hate the gym itself but because I’ve hated how I’ve let myself go. I’ve hated how my clothes fit and I hated how looking in the mirror made me feel, to the point where I avoided it at all costs. For a while, I only had like one mirror in my apartment and it wasn’t even a full length mirror — just from the chest up and I would tilt my head in a way so that I wouldn’t see my double chin or any other imperfections. Now, the gym feels so safe. It’s a place where I go to get stronger and feel better. I never thought I would love the gym again and a large part of that is because of my trainer, Courtney.

I’m not going to lie, it’s fucking expensive but right now it’s important that I get my health in order. We shall reassess later.

12:17 PM — 

Still on the LIRR bc no surprise, there are delays. Always fucking delays on this thing but at least the seats are comfortable and it’s not very crowded at this time. Most people are civilized and quiet which is a nice change up from the NYC subway creatures I’ll inevitably run into on my way home.

I have a beach bag that my former boss gave me that has a bunch of hearts on it and I’ve been loving it, particularly today bc it’s Valentine’s Day! My faveeeee. In it, I have two pairs of shoes bc as you know, I’m a hoe for sneakers. Ok but really, one of my biggest pet peeves is to wear performance sneakers out and about. Like you won’t ever catch me wearing my tennis tennis shoes on the subway or walking around the city or even around my tennis club. I change them right when I finish. In my cute beach bag, I have my paddle tennis shoes and my lifting shoes and then I’m wearing my newest pair of On running sneakers. Do some of you call them O-Cs? Because my mom and her boyfriend did and I roasted them for that but then I just found out some of my other friends call them that... Anyway, they are the cloud Monsters or whatever the fuck they’re called but they are literally the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever worn. A lot of the colors are sold out like the ones I got for my mom but mine weren’t and they’re so cute! 11/10 recommend — worth the hype. 

12:31 PM — 

There’s nothing like checking your phone after a while and having zero new texts and 2 fresh ✨rejections✨ from jobs you’re super qualified for.

Rejections are a part of the game but getting rejected for things you shouldn’t be getting rejected for, hurt. Like a lot. But we gotta keep on keeping on. I’m waiting to hear back on a job I really want and I already finished all of the interviews so I’m just waiting. They said I’ll hopefully hear something by end of this week. Waiting fucking sucks but it’s a big part of the process and honestly it has been pushing me to learn patience. I hate when things are out of my control but most things are and I have to learn to be okay with that. It will all be worth it when I land the job I want. 

I’m in a bad mood now for literally no reason (well because of the rejections, but whatever). This is actually really common for me and one thing can ruin my entire mood for the whole day — Welcome to my life! I find that the best way to snap out of things is to listen to music. Now, I have a lot of sad music on my playlists but for this I go straight to Fred Again.. who has been my absolute obsession for the past year or so. I can’t get enough of his song “leavemealone” lately, shocker. Very on brand for me.

12:45 PM —

Finally, we are on the move again and nearing Penn Station. In terms of convenience, this place is the best. But for my fucking stress levels and anxiety it’s the absolute worst. Hopefully it won’t be too crowded at this time and I can escape to my safe haven of downtown Manhattan quickly. Crowds make me uneasy.

More importantly what am I gonna eat? Lately I’ve been eating so much better and I can feel my body changing. My teammate from today is a nutritionist and gave me some tips so I’m gonna try to incorporate them but like I said earlier, I want to still be lenient with myself. Despite my best intentions, now feels like a bad time to implement her tips because I’m so hungry and I just want a juicy burger! Maybe that breakfast really did fuck me up because I’m only craving bad things. Be stronggggggg.

12:55 PM —

To no one’s surprise, I encountered a few characters on the subway but I don’t have to go that far so I’ll just sit down and mind my business. Honestly, since I don’t commute anymore I always miss my stop or take the train the wrong way like a newbie because I’m never paying attention. Usually zoned into my Duolingo lessons cause I gotta keep the streak alive. IYKYK.

I’ve been learning Hungarian for over a year now and originally I learned it because I worked with a team in Budapest but I guess I won’t really need that anymore :( I miss them a lot but they do a really good job of checking in on me still so I guess I can still practice with them. My favorite word in Hungarian is macska — any guesses? Don’t cheat! 

1:19 PM —

Despite the delays I’m actually pretty early. I got off the subway and walked outside to a street I used to live on and remembered there was a Fields Good Chicken nearby so I walked over. Sadly for me, I remember it being much better last time.

My friend the nutritionist said rice is not really that good for you and broke my heart this morning, so I got a bowl and didn’t eat the rice. Okay, I had like a spoonful or two but mostly just the chicken, broccoli and avocado. Boring! Felt like a crime to pay $17 for that but it’s NYC baby.

As you know, one of my New Year’s resolutions was to eat more green veggies but now that I have that pretty much under control, my next target is to incorporate fruit into my diet. I love fruit so it shouldn’t be hard but I hate cutting and prepping it and I always let it go bad in my apt and then I get fruit flies. JFC, I need to get it together. 

1:39 PM —

Good news, found fruit. Bad news, it tastes bad. $6 down the drain. They are really robbing us blind with these prices on cut up fruit. Things like this make me miss Mexico so much more.

2:00 PM — 

Checked into the gym and I’m like an hour early for my session so I will try out my new sneakers and do a Hot Girl Walk (HGW — per Tiktok). They feel SO good…almost like you’re walking on a — OHHHHHH that’s why they call them On Clouds. Genius! 

2:30 PM — 

Time to do an InBody assessment with my trainer, which is what we use to measure the progress from when we first started working together. I used to hate getting on the scale and would avoid it at all costs so she has helped me get over that so God bless her. Numbers are trending in the right direction so I am happy and fucking proud. Back in a good mood, off to our workout we go. 

2:35 PM —

We were able to start about 30 mins early, which was great. We always start with a dynamic warm up, but it’s brutal. Sometimes I think it’s harder than the actual workout. I hate warming up in tennis and anything, really because I like to just get started but I notice such a difference when I do it vs when I skip it. She makes me do these single leg glute bridges that I absolutely hate but I notice they are getting easier the more we do them and as I get stronger. I know I’m not even 30 but I feel like an 89 year old most of the time, so I know I can’t skip this step even when I don’t train with her. Fine. I’ll keep doing them. Plus we always gossip and catch up while I’m doing them and we laugh a lot so it goes by pretty quick.

3:31 PM — 

Finally, the torture is over! I can’t believe I pay for her to put me through that. Just kidding, I sort of love it but some of the exercises SUCK. I always let her know when I don’t like one (a lot of them) in hopes that she’ll take them out of the rotation. Usually that doesn’t work it’s but worth a try.

Today we did upper body because we had been mostly focusing on lower body over the past few months and after seeing Miley Cyrus at the Grammy’s I knew I had to get these bat wings under control. Good Lord! Just kidding, kinda.

It is a miracle because today I didn’t lock myself out of my locker. I literally use the same combo every time but I still manage to screw it up somehow.

3:44 PM —

I picked up a protein shake from Joe and the Juice just down the street. I love this place because everything is pink and since it’s Valentine’s Day it just felt right. Ha! Like I need an excuse to go. I really wanted a carrot cake or banana bread but I resisted. Go me!

4:00 PM —

Back to slumming it on the subway. Sigh. I get on at World Trade Center, which is where the E line begins so there are always spots available to sit. But literally 3-4 stops in and it’s fully packed. We are in there like sardines and with our big ass winter coats I feel like not as many people fit in the seats yet people still keep trying! Like excuse me!!! Take your jacket off or stay standing because I don’t need your elbows digging into my love handles.

The subway is actually super convenient but I just absolutely hate it. More often than not, something unusual and unpleasant happens and it sets me off. Like most things. But in reality, I think watching Gossip Girl before moving to NYC tainted the subway for me. Blair Waldorf would never!

Anyway, I knew something would happen. The man next to me keeps looking towards my direction and I can feel him looking at me or my way and he is basically sitting on top of me (my coat). I keep looking up and he looks away instantly. I know he’s not doing anything technically wrong but it’s irritating me.

5:02 PM —

I am walking out of the subway when suddenly I receive an email about one of the jobs asking me to fill out some more forms. I have no idea what the forms are for and I can’t check them until I get home. I scramble home and try to open them on my laptop and as soon as I click on the link, my screen goes blank.

Damn it! I had JUST told my mom I was going to buy a new laptop this weekend because mine was going to die any second. Did it really have to choose THIS minute? Luckily it came back on and I was able to proceed but STRESS. I have no idea what these forms mean, but I take it as a good omen. Forms are done and now we wait more. Agh!

5:45 PM —

My phone is about to die and I am too lazy to charge it but I know I need to if I want to watch tonight’s episode of Love Island All Stars UK on the dark web. IDK if it’s the dark web but the app seems sketch at best. Worth it because I am obsessed with this show. Like literally, it’s an unhealthy obsession. As I am charging my phone I get an interesting phone call and I didn’t really know what to do. It was one of the recruiters and he just wanted to touch base on a few things. This recruiter in particular has been so good about over communicating. Waiting is hard for me and I’m sure he knows that. I don’t know how I can give him a positive review at his job officially, so this is the best I can do right now. Shout out to you, thank you for your king energy.

6:30 PM —

Finally, the Love Island Episode is uploaded and I can indulge in my obsession. #MollyandTom <3
Today is one of my favorite days of the year because it’s Valentine’s Day. Last year I had so much fun in the office but this year I am watching TV with my cat and submitting applications. I decided to have some fun with ChatGPT and post this cute cover letter on my LinkedIn and Insta.

Go like the post and comment on it so more people see it. Thanksssss <3

7:03 PM —

I nibble on some fruit because I am just not super hungry but I know I need to eat. Honestly, I’m exhausted. Today was a long day and this week has been tough on my body. I went to Barry’s bootcamp for the first time yesterday with my friend and I was not ready for that. Shit was hard but it was good! We did double floor and I wanted to die. Naturally, I’m going back tomorrow because I’m a sucker for pain. I think it’s good to change the workouts a bit because your body gets used to it. I don’t know it that is factually true but that’s what I think.

I do, however, need to stretch because my legs are going to snap in half if I don’t but as I was rotting on my couch, I lifted my arms to stretch and my right pec muscle started threatening to cramp. I have never brought down my arm faster.

8:12 PM —

I know I should really start getting my shit together for tomorrow. Instead, I turned on Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire because there is nothing like having your own Harry Potter marathon. My best friend Alex thinks I’m always watching these movies and believes that I’ve watched them at least 30 times. He’s wrong, though because to be completely honest, I AM always watching these movies and I have seen them well over 30 times each. #WingardiumLeviosa

9:38 PM —

I am still sitting in my filth because I haven’t showered since I got home from the gym. I was too overwhelmed with the job stuff that came through via email and the night just got away from me. I really have to organize my stuff because I am not willing to sacrifice a single second of extra sleep in the morning.

9:49 PM —

Time to shower. My hair is up in a messy bun and I should probably wash it but let’s be honest here people, there is no chance in hell that I am washing my hair right now. No ma’am.

10:04 PM —

Time for bed. I went a little overboard with scheduling workouts this week but hopefully I’ll have a job soon and I won’t be able to workout in the middle of the day anymore, even though I absolutely love it. These days have felt like I was back in college on my tennis team. Running from one place to the next for workouts and recovery treatments. Oh the good ole days. People always reminisce about the good ole college days and I used to think it was a load of crap but they were right. Real life is hard. College is bliss.

It was so weird documenting my activities and the associated feelings for the whole day but it made me really realize how many ebbs and flows I go through with my moods. My friend Steph always says that I’m emotionally volatile and she’s not wrong. It’s so exhausting to feel so strongly about every single thing, whether positive or negative. Lately, I’ve been trying to let things slide a bit more and not react to ever little thing, but it’s hard because as long as I can remember, I have always been like this, even when I was little.

I think that now as I near the big 3-0, I just want to hold myself to a higher standard and be a little bit more critical of the things I don’t like about myself that cause me stress or anxiety. It’s hard but I think this post was a lot more therapeutic than I ever expected it to be. It makes me really appreciate the close friends that I have because they put up with me and all of my flaws. It makes me think that I should be a bit less critical of friends and people in general because everyone has flaws and my friends and family have shown me a lot of grace and understanding by accepting mine.

The other thing I noticed was how much regret I have with my decisions. I like to react and make decisions in the moment but sometimes I don’t think about the repercussions or impacts of them. I’m generally more thoughtful of how they impact other people but I find that I don’t really think about how they are going to impact me. For example, I’m willing to put my body through the ringer just so that my friends are able to get a platform tennis game in before their trips or whatever. I say yes even when I’m tired and when I know it’s too much and when I know I signed up for an 8am class the next day, which I need rest for. There is a saying that says you can’t pour from an empty cup and I sometimes need to take a step back to think about everything I’m saying yes to. I know my body better than anyone and whether it’s physically or mentally exhausting, I should listen to it rather than overdo it.

Another thing that I noticed from this exercise was how much I really loved and miss work. I didn’t love my role there at the end but I truly met so many great people at that company and even though my social battery gets drained very quickly, I miss that daily social interaction. In the beginning of the layoff, I loved staying home and isolating with my cat but I find that these social interactions during my time off have really recharged my battery and I even find myself craving them more and more. That’s not to say that I don’t get emotionally exhausted in the middle of them, but I’m happy that my body is craving people. There were times when my mind and body only craved darkness.

Lastly, I am truly so lucky to live in New York. It has its quirks and certainly has its faults but it is so beautifully unique that I truly don’t know how I can ever leave it. It’s crazy to think that I almost left it for a job… More on that next time.

Xoxox

Marn