That Time I Tried to Ruin My Birthday Surprise

Hi friends — So I’m sure you’re all here to read about the infamous birthday surprise from my sweet, incredible, perfect boyfriend. Isn’t it weird hearing me so lovey dovey when I’m usually like the queen of ice? It’s crazy for me, too. Not sure how one person can have such an effect on another person, but let’s get right into the birthday surprise.

As you know, my boyfriend lives in Michigan and I do not. We get to see each other relatively often, I would say, for a long distance relationship but there was a stretch of like 2+ months where we didn’t get to see each other for various reasons. Right around this same time, my dad was hospitalized (he’s better now) so I had to travel to Mexico and then I was interviewing/quitting my job and my bf also had a ton of work and a big work event he was planning. He’s pretty like secure in where we stand and I’m like never secure in anything I do so sometimes the distance gets to me and because we’re so busy with work, each moment that I have with my thoughts alone without hearing from him can really send me into a downward spiral for really no reason. It’s honestly worse than it sounds so I’m trying really hard to work through those feelings of insecurity. I don’t want to put too much about our relationship on here because that’s private to us but there are a couple of things I wanted to share without getting too deep into our relationship.

So during these 2 months, I felt really lonely and sad and isolated. The weather in NYC sucks in the winter (and Michigan, too) and it has such an effect on my mood and energy levels. It was like a perfect storm of shitty weather, us being busy at work, having personal family things going on, etc. It just felt like one thing after another and I’m so prone to looking at the glass half full. I’ve always had everything I’ve ever wanted and more and I think that I have allowed myself to lean too far into that — you’ll see why here in about 3 seconds.

I had no idea where we were going but I started allowing myself to dream about the wonderful places he could take me. This was my first mistake because expectations can ruin reality. I had assumed we were going to another country, to spend a week at the beach or something, but I was wrong. The weekend before my trip, I found out we were meeting up in Orlando, Florida and my mind immediately went to Disney. I can’t say I love Disney anything but I definitely don’t hate it. Some of my favorite movies and series are from Disney or companies owned by Disney. I do, however, hate crowds and am not a fan of heights. I get motion sickness when I take the train to work or when I sit in an Uber for 10 mins, so roller coasters are just not my jam. Instantly, I was pissed off and dreading the trip. I’m like so ashamed to even be writing this just reliving the shit I did this past week. We’ll get to that.

So the day before I leave, I’m packing and I’m literally dreading it. I called my mom as soon as Orlando was the confirmed destination and I literally threw a fit. I was crying and freaking out. Yep, 27 year old semi-successful adult calling her mom to cry about her boyfriend taking her on a trip full of surprises to somewhere beautiful and warm. How miserable, right?

After the meltdown, I came to the realization that I was being freaking unreasonable and insane and finished packing. Work had been such a bitch the previous 48 hours because I’m still transitioning out of my old job while doing my new job so I was running on like a few hours of sleep — not that that justifies anything, but I hadn’t been that stressed in a while. Then, I have horrible anxiety about everything so not knowing a damn thing about the trip, my glass-half-empty personality took over and all I could think about were the negatives of Orlando. I was in a very nasty and toxic headspace, to be completely and brutally honest. I remember almost feeling like I was watching myself from the outside. Having access to my thoughts was horrible because I couldn’t really believe how I was handling everything. Like I could see it happening and I couldn’t stop it even though I knew it was wrong and that I shouldn’t be acting this way.

When I landed in Orlando, he was waiting for me at a restaurant in the airport. It was 5 de Mayo so we had a few margaritas together, which is honestly like our thing. He always takes me to beautiful places and we get margaritas and admire the view. Mid sip, he starts recording and asks if I’m ready for my first surprise. I turn around and two of our friends come up behind me. These two friends have been so supportive of me and us every time I’ve come to visit in Michigan and it’s not really until right now that I’m realizing how incredible it was of them to come celebrate my birthday with me, given that they really didn’t know me thaaat well. We’ve definitely spent a lot of time together so it was nice to have some familiar faces.

We leave the airport and I still don’t know if we’re staying in Orlando until we pull into the Hard Rock Hotel in Orlando. It's absolutely stunning and I’m speechless in a bad way. I remember thinking that I was so mad we were staying in Orlando and that there was absolutely nothing I wanted to do in Orlando, particularly for my birthday. I was texting my friend complaining and being so pissed. This was one of the worst days because I didn’t really know anything that was going on or what the plan for the rest of the week was and I was just like stewing in my negativity. I had heard the front desk say that our reservation was for 3 nights only so I thought maybe we would go somewhere “fun” on my birthday, which was the 3rd day of that reservation.

Our room wasn’t ready until later on in the day so we had to slum it at this beautiful pool for several hours. How tragic. I hate myself so I don’t really ever wear sun screen, something I would regret instantly the next day. We had margaritas and snacks by the pool and it was honestly so chill and awesome, but still, I was in my toxic headspace so I kept texting my friends to complain and bitch about how my birthday was going to be ruined. Like it just sounds so ridiculous now that I’m writing it, and it makes me wonder why the hell my bf didn’t just kick me out of the room and break up with me on the spot. Thankfully he is a very patient person :)

The next day, we went to Universal Studios. The roller coasters here seem a lot more like traditional roller coasters and I was still in my toxic mentality. I hate crowds, and waiting and roller coasters and first thing in the morning we get in line for Hagrid’s ride. I fucking love Harry Potter so naturally he thought I would love HP World in universal but I was too busy throwing a fit because we had to wait a long time (not even a long time) in line for this ride. We finally make it on the ride and I feel like I’m gonna die. I truly hate roller coasters and they’ve always been a challenge for me to get on and now as an adult, I’ve developed horrible motion sickness and even experience some vertigo. My bf and our friends did not know about my fear of heights or roller coasters… oops! So on this ride, there is this drop and it’s very unexpected, at least for me it was, and it was such a horrible feeling. I was so pissed off when I got off the ride and at this point I didn’t really give a crap about trying. My negative thoughts had taken over and I was so angry that my bf would even dare to bring me here, even though he didn’t know about the roller coaster thing. Like how dare he.

Naturally, things have to get worse before they get better and my attitude just continued to get worse, if you can believe that. The rest of those three days, I spent by the pool and bypassed universal. I had no interest in making it work. In my defense, I was trying to process all the surprises and everything that was happening but it was just honestly unacceptable. Like if he would have acted this way, I would have just been done. I had complained to his friends about how he didn’t know me at all and how this trip was not for me at all and just all these ridiculous things, to the point where I was putting them in the middle and in uncomfortable situations.

We had a talk and basically I could try to enjoy myself and the rest of the trip or go home. I honestly considered going home because I was just still really upset but acknowledged that it was probably going to be impossible to salvage the relationship if I left. I mean he never said that but God forbid the roles are ever reversed, I would hope he wouldn’t give up. This is a trip he takes annually and works really hard to plan and enjoy and it was honestly so cute that he wanted to share that with me and his close friends. I think things changed after we had this talk, though I’m not gonna say that everything was perfect. It was still really hard and draining for me to fight the negative thoughts and honestly I struggled with this when I was in college. We live in a world where we really reward negative thinking and complaining. Often times we have conversations and compare who has the shittiest situation and I think I had just really been carelessly leaning into that for so long. Anyway, I think both of us made an effort to “roll with the punches” and adjust because neither one of us had gotten what we expected or maybe hoped for. I’m sure he was expecting a more positive response from me, and I think it was pretty unfair of me to make him deal with my attitude for so many days.

One of my best and worst qualities is that I wear my emotions on my sleeve and when the highs are high, it’s great. But when the lows come, they are extremely low. It’s been that way for a long time and I’ve tried to be a bit mindful of it in the past but it hasn’t honestly been my top priority for a long time. I guess I just hadn’t been forced to face the consequences of it for a really long time. That’s actually one thing I love about our relationship is that he pushes me in ways that I didn’t even know I needed to be pushed. I always tell my colleagues and staff that feedback is a gift and we can always improve whether it be in our personal or professional lives. My bf is very observant and he knows what I like and he knows my strengths and my weaknesses. If anything, this trip made me realize how much more observant he is than I ever realized.

On my actual birthday, we switched resorts and we checked into the Polynesian, which is on Disney property. The coolest thing about Disney is that they commit to the theme. There is no detail there by chance, everything is thoughtful and has a purpose for being there, which is so incredible. This resort was conveniently located by Disney’s Magic Kingdom, where Cinderella’s castle is. I like princesses and shit but I’m a very independent woman so like every single plot of these princess movies is that they need saving so that doesn’t really resonate with me. So again, the dark thoughts entered and I was so annoyed we were going there for my birthday. However, much to my surprise, Magic Kingdom was fucking stunning. Yeah, there was a shit ton of people there and I was not jazzed about that, but it was like the hotel, everything was so perfectly placed and it made me feel like I was in a different universe (or maybe that was all the vodka). We had dinner reservations in the Beast’s castle, like from Beauty and the Beast, and it was immaculate in every sense of the word. The dining hall was so beautiful and it had the most perfect lighting and chandeliers. Our table was in like a side room and so it was away from most of the people, it was absolutely perfect. The food up until this point had just been okay (in part bc of my attitude hehe) but the dinner this evening was probably the best of the whole trip. In the morning, he had wished me a happy birthday and asked if I was ready for the most magical day of my life and in my head I rolled my eyes and thought how silly that was, but by the end of the day it really was magical. Nothing else mattered and all those rough months of being stressed with work and feeling like he didn’t have time for me went away. He had spent so much time and energy planning the most perfect day and that’s probably the best birthday present I have ever received and I didn’t even really realize it until I went home.

The rest of the trip was great for the most part, with the exception of a few things here and there. Most of them, self inflicted haha but we made it through. On my flight home I was sitting in my seat and I just started crying but in a good way. Just thinking about how much thought, energy, time and money must have had to go into planning something like this. I was really overwhelmed by the situation and felt like I was in desperate need of a rewind button. I remember playing back every single interaction we had and just thinking about how I could have handled things better or how I could have communicated things better. I do think that it’s fair of me to be disappointed for a little bit, like 2 mins tops, but definitely not for 3-4 days. I think that expectations set you up for failure and that’s a lesson I’ve really struggled with my whole life. I have such high standards and expectations for myself and others but we are all so unique and have different expectations and goals, so it’s not really fair to project your expectations of someone onto them.

One thing that my bf does so well is that he truly just lives in the moment. Sure, he plans when he needs to and reflects if needed but he is super good at being present. He is very good at being accepting and welcoming not only of people but of different situations and that’s something I’m particularly bad at. One funny thing about him and I is that we’re absolute opposites in every way possible, so it’s no different here. I always thought that relationships were about being perfect and happy all the time and being the exact same but I think that the most beautiful part of our relationship is that we are so different.

Earlier I mentioned how I have a lot of anxiety and I don’t really know when it truly developed but I don’t remember always being this anxious. It has definitely gotten worse in the past 5 years or so, but even more in the last year. I think that because being anxious really stresses me out, I have tried to curate this perfect little bubble where I control everything that I possibly can in order to avoid those stressful and anxious reactions. I thought I was doing the right thing by eliminating those situations but I think it wasn’t until this week that I realized how bad that is for me. No, I’m not going to actively go out and look for stressful situations that make me anxious but how can I be annoyed by crowds when I live in the most crowded city in the country? I take the subway into the office and that’s usually crowded, right? I’m psycho enough to wake up hours earlier to take the train when it is the least crowded to avoid being anxious. To be totally honest and fair, the recent events of shootings in the subway have not helped, but outside of those types of events, I should be okay to take the subway at peak hours. I think taking the train hours early is a bit extreme so that’s one thing I can do to start pushing myself to be more comfortable in discomfort, you know?

Another thing that I have done to avoid these situations has been to isolate myself. I’m like an onion and I make it very hard to get close to me - there are many layers to me and I honestly have to be in the mood to meet new people or else they don’t even stand a chance. My best friend always tells me that she loves meeting new people and hearing their stories and learning from them and I always used to think that was so dumb and something I had no interest in doing. I thought I had all the friends I needed and that I didn’t need to actively put myself in situations where I needed to meet new people. How antisocial, right? Now, I feel like I have been doing myself a disservice by trying to create my perfect little impenetrable bubble. Meeting new people and being exposed to people with different thoughts and opinions is critical and healthy for us and by neglecting that for so many years, I’ve become super intolerant to different people, thoughts and ideas.

I’m not bashing myself, I think I have a lot of great qualities and curating my perfect little bubble has allowed me to focus on my career and that’s why that’s the most successful aspect of my life, but at what cost? We were on a ride at Disney and it was asking us some questions and one of the questions was “do you live to work or work to live?” My bf was right next to me so I picked work to live but I think that was a lie. I have allowed my job to be my entire personality for so long that I feel like that’s my identity. I don’t even know who Marnie is as a person anymore and that makes me really sad. I’m super proud of my professional accomplishments but at the same time, where is the balance? How can I elevate the other areas of my life to match my career?

So I know resolutions and goals are more trendy at the start of the year but the only thing constant is change and who says our goals can’t change throughout the year as life happens? My biggest goal, year after year, even when I was thinner, was always to lose weight, but for what? I think my goal should be to get myself healthy in whatever way that means. Sure, I can stand to lose some weight but I don’t want to lose 20 pounds and then gain it back because I lost them in an unsustainable way. I think that I’ve been so focused on all or nothing kinds of solutions for every aspect of my life that I neglect small, sustainable changes. Yes, losing weight is something that affects me and I feel very anxious when going shopping with friends or even trying on clothes by myself, but that was because I refused to cook at home or buy clothes in a bigger size. Clothes are supposed to fit YOU not the other way around.

I haven’t weighed myself in ages and I have never felt better about my body. My bf is very active, his job is physical and he is very disciplined - he runs 3 miles a day almost every day without fault and he eats very clean. Is that ever going to be me? Probably not to that level, but I love my peloton and I love to cook, I want to get back to that. The point is not to try to be like him but I have so much to learn from him and I really look up to him in so many ways. Today, I didn’t feel like doing anything because I had a long day yesterday flying back to NYC but also a long day coming up with a work trip to Vegas, but I realized those were just excuses. My bf would never let a flight keep him from running and the hardest part for me is just starting because once I’m on the bike, I could stay on for hours. My point is that you can always find something to improve and someone you can learn from. At work, I always tell more junior people that it’s good to find someone they look up to and try to learn from them, so why wouldn’t I take my own advice in my personal life?

Sure, my boyfriend is very disciplined and fit but the best part about him is that he is able to take a step back and look at the big picture. He rarely overreacts because he analyzes the situation and listens before he reacts. He can almost always find the good in something or if he cant, he is able to laugh about it and make a joke out of it. I think because I have so many emotions, good/bad/neutral, I just feel like I have to let them out right away and I don’t really manage them very well all the time, if that makes sense? I have this friend and she’ll know who she is when she reads this but we are very similar. Almost identical in how we react and feel towards situations and we come at things from the same point of view but something that she does very well is that she knows her limits. She knows that certain situations are going to piss her off or put her in uncomfortable positions and she knows when to remove herself. She also always seems to know the right thing to say, she validates my emotions but then is so good at playing devils advocate and helping me see things from a different POV, even if it’s not how we would think or react. I only hope to get half as good as her in that regard, but it’s super powerful to be able to think before reacting. Something I wish I had mastered a little bit before that trip, ha!

One of the days I snapped at my bf because I felt like he was looking for any reason to not spend time with me, which he wasn’t but that’s just what my mind was going with at the time. We split off, each with one of our friends and I snapped just before that saying rude things that were just out of place. I spent like 2 minutes being really pissed off at him and then realizing that I wasn’t a child who could throw tantrums in the middle of the park anymore. Like imagine being one of our two friends while we are bickering in the middle of Animal Kingdom? How uncomfortable - so if either of you are reading this right now, I’m truly sorry for continuously putting you in difficult positions. I was thinking if I ever behaved this way at work, I would lose respect immediately, but then I realized I would never do this at work. I would never speak to my boss that way because I could literally lose my job for behaving that way, so why was I so okay to treat someone I care so much about like this?

I remember waiting for them to come back to our group and immediately texting him to apologize. It was in this moment that I truly realized how important he is to me and how much I really value our relationship. It’s been a little over 6 months of dating, officially, but we have known each other for ages. He still gives my butterflies when I’m around him even 10 years after the first time I had them from him and I think it’s important for me to acknowledge that, particularly in moments when I’m upset or thinking about being reactive. Is it worth losing all of that for one snarky comment? Absolutely not. Sometimes we treat the people we care about the most the worst because we know they will always be there for us no matter what, but that doesn’t make it right and that’s not something I’m willing to risk.

Gosh, this post didn’t really go where I thought it would but it feels so good to just write it all out and face my thoughts and feelings on the situation. I think we live in a very unique time where social media is king and ofc if you saw my instagram stories, you would have thought everything was perfect and we never fought but I obviously only post what I want you to see. I guess the first and biggest lesson I’ve learned in my 28th trip around the sun is that people don’t have to stay, but they choose to and that can change at any time. It’s important to put things in perspective and weigh out the consequences of any of our actions. Am I willing to lose x because of y? The answer can be yes or no depending on the situation but in my case, I’m not willing to lose someone I value so much just because I want to be a spoiled little brat. This week was honestly a rude awakening and I came back home being extremely humbled and upset with the person that I had become on that trip, but I’m really excited to work on myself and push myself in ways that I never have or haven’t in a while. I’m extremely lucky to have a boyfriend that is constantly pushing me to be a better version of myself and even luckier to have one that still stayed with me through those first 3 tumultuous days. Change is good, and sometimes it’s just time to grow up.

xx hangry marn