I’m Heartbroken

They say time heals all wounds but it’s hard to believe that when I feel sadder and sadder as each day passes. The past 3 months have been some of the hardest for me in general and I think that is because I’ve been forced to grow a lot. I’ve been pushed and shoved in and out of my comfort zone, but one thing that I’m really trying to focus on is that we can’t control everything no matter how much we may want to. Here’s a look at my past few months - a lot of things were not in my control and a lot were, but the best part about it is that I have found tremendous strength in every single one.

First up, my dad was hospitalized earlier this year. I remember getting the call and barely being able to breathe. My step mom called me and I knew something was wrong. He had heart and kidney failure and that’s all I knew. I was in Michigan, at the time, visiting my boyfriend. In those moments, I felt like I was never going to see my dad alive again. Like it was realllly bad.

I had been going to Michigan a lot and I had always traveled with my passport but this time I didn’t feel like carrying it with me and I was so worried I would lose it, so I left it at home on purpose. Next thing you know, I’m trying to find the fastest way out of Alpena to NYC. Alpena happens to be a tiny town that has maybe two flights a day on a good day and this was on a Friday night, so I had absolutely no chance to get out that night. The worst part was that I had to go to NYC to pick up my stupid passport. I mean when are we gonna be able to just add it to our freaking Apple Wallet? Anyway, my route was Alpena-Detroit-JKF-Mexico City-Ciudad Juarez… My friends had to grab my passport from my apartment and bring it to me in JFK so I could make my flight to Mexico City. Shout out to the Becktolds for that & Steph for taking Lola.

I hadn’t seen my dad in 2 or 3 years and we had always said we’d be better about talking when we were separated but you know how things go, life happens. Long distance relationships in any capacity are hard to maintain whether they are romantic or not. My dad and I have never been the type to talk every single day and talk about our feelings, which is strange considering I have so many feelings and opinions about literally everything. My dad and I are so stubborn and have too much pride so for a long time, I think we blamed each other for losing touch. When you get the call that something is wrong, the first place your mind wanders to is to all the mistakes you made. All the things you should have done and should have said and how you were worked up or pissed off for something that really didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

Luckily, my dad was discharged from the hospital after 10 long and stressful days but I am thankful for those days. They gave me the perspective I needed and the wake up call we both needed to make the most of the time we have with each other. Now my dad and I still don’t talk every single day and that’s okay but I feel like we are more intentional with our communications and we both make more of an effort to stay connected. My siblings and step mom too. So while this was one of the worst experiences in my entire life, it was exactly what I needed at that moment and I will never take the time I have with him for granted ever again.

Next, I switched jobs. I was just promoted in January but I had assumed a position with more responsibility and direct reports since May the previous year. If you have followed my journey, you know that I started at MS, left and came back. This company and this team had been my entire life and while I had only been working for about 5 years, I had grown so close to these people. They have been with me through everything…leaving, coming back, my mom’s cancer, my own brain tumor, my dad’s hospital scare, being a consultant, being an associate, getting promoted to VP. All those major milestones and scares, they were there for me. I am emotional. I get too close to people and other times I don’t let people in. I don’t let people in often but when I do, I let them in all the way so it’s hard to separate work with friendship when we spent so many hours together and when we know so much about each other’s lives. I know my coworker’s daughter's birthday, I know how many grandchildren my former boss has, I know who is a germaphobe and who doesn’t care about covid. I know who prefers teams over skype and email over chat, I know where their go-to lunch spot is and their regular order. Leaving that job was emotional and personal.

A lot of my friend’s didn’t understand because they have never experienced a work culture like that and/or they never allow themselves to get too attached. I used to think being emotional was a weakness, but now I feel sorry for those who don’t allow themselves to feel vulnerable and passionate, happy and sad. Those who are overwhelmed by me being so comfortable by having such strong emotions, feelings and beliefs. At the end of the day, it’s my emotions that fuel my passion for the things that I do and what has made me successful in such a few years. I almost made a very bad mistake of staying in my old role because of how fiercely loyal I was to that team but who was being loyal to me? It was ultimately my responsibility to look out for myself and my career and push myself out of my comfort zone into a brand new job in a completely different part of the company. I would have hated myself if I stayed and I am so proud of myself for going (even if it took a couple of nudges).

Next, was my trip to Disney for my birthday. My boyfriend planned an incredible trip to Disney and I felt horrible about my reaction. When I realized we were going there I tried to trick myself into thinking that that’s what I wanted and that I could make it work. We stayed in the most beautiful resorts, the weather was perfect and I just could not make it work. I was picking fights over things that didn’t really matter and I just could not talk myself out of this negativity. I felt shame for not being appreciative and I would cry a lot. I tried to post pictures and be overly thankful and appreciative. You know what they say, fake it til you make it. My boyfriend’s friend was with us and he told me something that really stuck with me, though at this point I already knew what was going to happen. He told me that Disney was very important to my bf and that if I wanted any kind of future, I was going to have to get on board with that. It was nothing new, I knew this.

Frankly, I don’t care about Disney itself. I think that you can be happy in the middle of nowhere if you’re with the right person and though we made it through the trip and tried to make the best of it, we both knew. I think we both knew from the first day we landed. Though I struggled so much from that week, more than I even realized. When I got home from Florida, I remember coming home and sitting on my bed and just crying for hours. I was supposed to go to a concert with friends at my tennis club but I felt so broken and exhausted. I was so ashamed that I couldn’t just go with the flow and enjoy this perfect surprise trip that he had planned for so many months and spent so much money on. He was sharing something super special to him with me and I just couldn’t accept that, and I didn’t want to. We always used to joke about how we were opposites in literally everything and at first we found that funny and maybe even charming, but ultimately, we realized that we are so fundamentally different. We had gone on his idea of a perfect trip but it was not mine and it was never going to be mine.

I did learn a lot of things about myself from that trip and that’s arguably the event that caused me to change the most. I realized I was veryyyy stuck in my ways and since the pandemic, I had become super intolerant to large crowds and not having control of the plans. I had no idea where we were even going until a day or two before the flight. While surprises are cute and romantic, I realized that my anxiety was so severe that it was causing me to stress and make myself so ill, both physically and mentally. I had gotten away from the habits that I need to help manage and control my anxiety and thankfully I’ve started them up again. I realized that it’s okay for relationships to not work out and learned to be okay with that. Of course, I was sad that we “failed” but there is no point in being in a relationship with someone you don’t see a future with. We shared incredible memories, trips, laughs and experiences and I am so thankful for that. I grew to love the cold ass state of Michigan more than I ever thought possible. I saw how inclusive and welcoming he was and how he was the glue of his friend group. I learned a different form of love and patience that I had never experienced. I learned what things are important to me in relationships and what things I really don’t care about. I’m more aware of how my emotions and actions impact and are perceived by others. The breakup (and relationship as a whole) has taught me so many things about him and I, both together and individually, and for that I am eternally grateful. While the end of a relationship is not usually something to celebrate, it turns out it is exactly what I needed.

Of course you all know that my sweet grandfather passed away. This happened the same week that we broke up and the same week where I tested positive for COVID. I had just told my new boss that I thought I must be immune to the virus because I had been exposed so many times and never tested positive. Sure enough, I tested positive while I was in Mexico after the funeral services. It was honestly the best case scenario for me because I get easily overwhelmed with a lot of people and even more so with family. You would think it would be the opposite but since I live in NYC alone, I don’t really see my family a lot. Definitely not as much as I would like to, but the thing about this is that they don’t really know me and how I deal with situations because we just don’t spend enough time together. I really just wanted to be alone and come to terms with my grandfather's passing on my own in my own way. COVID allowed me to grieve in my own way in the best way I knew how to. Maybe that is selfish but I was able to be near family and have them help me through the symptoms rather than dealing with it alone. Luckily, I had a relatively mild case, experiencing bad symptoms for less than 2 days.

By the time I was out of quarantine, most of my family had already flown back and I was very sad to not be able to spend time with them. However, my number 1 is my mom and she had to take a lot of the heavy lifting. It was honestly the saddest thing I’ve ever experienced - watching her suffer each day, fighting back tears and just feeling extremely devastated. I wish I could have shielded her from even just a fraction of that but that’s not possible. My grandpa’s passing brought so much sadness and shock to all of us but what it really showed me was how we all process things so differently. One naive thought I had before was that everyone feels things the same way but I don’t think that’s true. Sure, we were all sad but my grandpa had such different experiences and interactions with everyone that we all have different feelings and reactions to the news. Idk, I guess that’s a given but I have never really allowed myself to fully understand that til now. I have so much more respect for the way people process things and I think that there’s not really a right or wrong way to feel. I do know, however, that every single memory I have of my grandpa is a positive one. Even the “bad” ones when I managed to piss him off, we always ended up laughing about something. He truly had a way of lighting up the room and making everyone feel important and seen. I have never met a more perfect human being and I don’t think anyone will ever compare to him. Everyone says that their loved one was the best when they passed but I’m sorry, my grandpa was the absolute best. That’s not even biased either. I feel sorry for those who never had the opportunity to meet him.

If there is one thing we can take away from his death it’s that he would have been so happy to see the family come together and all of his friends there to support us. We would not have been able to get/continue to get through this impossible situation. Every time I post, I always think about how much he loved reading these posts. It takes so much time and self reflection and it’s not easy to acknowledge your flaws, much less publish them on the internet for your entertainment but he loved it. He would always call me or text me after I posted and give me his thoughts and how it resonated with him. What a privilege to have known him and spent 28 years by his side. What a privilege to honor him through these blogs.

Remember that we are not responsible for people's reactions and we can’t control everything. Time is limited and it’s up to us to make the most of it. Be the best person you can be and never stop self reflecting, because there is always something we can be doing better. Take the positives out of every situation and be grateful for the people that come in and out of your life, they are there for a reason. Lastly, if you have lost a loved one, it’s a pain that is hard to describe. I’ll leave you with a message I received from my friend Monika and it said “look for the signs and you will see them.”

xx marnie