Cry With Me
On Thursday morning, I was in a 1:1 with my new boss. I have been with the new team for 1 month and have only worked like 3 days after being away in Orlando for my birthday and Vegas for work. This was finally the week where I would be able to say goodbye to my old team and really sink my teeth into the new role. My new boss is always busy so the time I have with her is so precious, which is why I was beyond annoyed that my mom dared to call me in the middle of the work day.
I declined her call and continued to talk to my boss, but I was distracted once again when my mom called again. I declined her call again and texted her that I was busy and went on with my call. She called a third and a fourth time, which is when I couldn’t ignore it any longer. My boss told me not to worry, and to go deal with whatever was wrong.
In this moment, my mind when blank but at the same time it became so overwhelmed with worst case scenarios. I can tell you that not a single scenario even came close to the reality that she was about to reveal to me. I could hear her crying and trying to catch her breath. In between cries, she said “Poncho” but then her voice broke and she began to cry again. Finally she was able to say that he was gone and I don’t know what happened after that.
I always knew this day would come and that it would come more than once because I have been incredibly lucky to have had 2 of my 4 grandparents with me for the past 28 years. The pros of that is that you get to build such incredible bonds and memories that you can cherish for ever, but the down side is that the goodbyes are always so tough.
I feel like I’ve always been really okay with death and not in like a dark way, but I always knew that that was a part of life. The body cannot live forever and we all must go at some point but some part of me always felt like my loved ones were immortal, no matter how crazy or irrational that may sound but a small part of me truly believed that. The truth is, there are only two certainties in life and that is birth and death. The best part, though, is what you do with the time you have in between birth and death, and that’s something we call life. Now let me tell you about my perfect grandfather’s wonderful life.
He was born 83 years ago and he was a little shit! He was a jokester from day 1 and that’s something we all remember him by. He always knew the right thing to say to lighten the mood or to keep our spirits high. I’m told he was quite mischievous as a young boy. I’m not sure at what point he started playing tennis, but I do know that he was the boys 18 and under national champion. So what? Big deal. Actually that’s very cool but not for the reasons you think.
Because he was the reigning champ, he got the opportunity to play mixed doubles with none other than Yola Ramirez, who was a few years older than him. That’s how they met and where their love story began. As you know, tennis is so important to our family because it has provided us with so many opportunities, friendships and above all, love.
My grandparents fell in love and got married 58 or 59 years ago. I believe that this year they would have celebrated their 59th year of marriage in August. There is no love like theirs. Sure they fought and bickered — at one point I remember visiting and thinking that they were going to get a divorce. Turns out that all married couples argue from time to time. The thing that I admire the most about their marriage is how much they stood up for each other. In Mexico, and all over the world frankly, it’s very common to have this alpha male mentality and it can be hard for or threatening to men to have a partner that “outshines” them. While I don’t think either outshined the other, on paper and from a tennis perspective, my grandma was more successful but he never let that phase him. Instead of knocking her down or competing against her, he spent his entire life building her up and supporting her in any way that he could so that she could continue to succeed. In a time when women weren’t really supposed to be the stars of the show, he always made her the star of our show.
My grandparents had two children, my mom, Marnie and my uncle, Ponch. My grandparents also adopted a son from Acapulco, and his name is Ernesto, or Neto as we call him here. All three kids played tennis at very high levels. They were his pride and joy; his greatest achievements. My mom and uncle both left home when they were young to go study in New Braunfles, Texas and train/live at John Newcombe’s Tennis Ranch. Both received D1 scholarships to play in college - my mom at TCU and Ponch at NC State. Neto worked at Newk’s for a long time and he learned English there. Because of his time there, he was able to land some incredible Director of Tennis roles all over Mexico. Funny story, when I was little, Neto and I used to train together and we always said that I was gonna go pro just like Yayis, my grandmother. In my wildest dreams, I always saw him in my players box at Wimbledon. A girl can dream, right? hahaha.
My grandparents were blessed with several grandchildren, at least one from each kid. I used to never really want to have kids until more recently and even more so now that I see the beautiful bond my mom and her siblings had with their parents. In Mexico, it’s very common for people to name their son after their father and in our family’s case, we had a lot of Alfonsos. First, the king himself, my grandpa Alfonso, but we call him Poncho. Then his son, we call him Ponch. Ponch’s son, my cousin, PJ — Ponch Jr. Then Neto’s son is also Alfonso, but we call him Ponchito. For me, and I think for the rest of the family, there is only one Poncho. It is such a sign of respect to name all of them Alfonso and I think if you ask any of them, they probably feel so honored to be able to share his name.
It’s taken me a few days to get to this point to be able to write this. The first day was a blur, honestly, and the following days were so overwhelming. It was so comforting to be with family because I live alone in NYC and I feel like my entire life except work is outside of there. It was also beautiful to see how many people had nice things to say about him. On the flight down to Mexico, I felt very out of it. One of my favorite things to do is to look at old photos and videos and just relive those memories. Naturally, I filtered to pictures and videos of my grandpa and took a walk down memory lane.
From my perspective, there is and never will be anyone like him. He was truly so unique and special and I feel sorry for those that didn’t have the pleasure of getting to know him. For those that did, consider yourselves lucky. One of my earliest memories of him was when I was really little and my mom and I lived in Cuidad Juarez. My mom, and frankly every single person in my family, has always been a super hard worker. My grandparents often took care of me while she was at work and one time, it was my grandpas turn. I can’t remember why he got stuck babysitting me this particular time but he was there and he wanted to make me breakfast. He decided to make me an omelette and to top it off, he sprinkled some salt on there. I remember it being very dark in the kitchen for some reason and it must have been too dark because he poured so much salt on that thing that it was completely inedible. We laughed so hard.
My parents divorced when I was really little and then we moved away from Mexico when I was 7ish so I had to travel by plane a lot and even as an unaccompanied minor, which I hated! I have always really hated heights and flying. It’s such a weird, magical concept for me to grasp — one minute you’re in one part of the world and all of a sudden you’re just halfway across the globe. Like, what? And at such speeds. Anyway, I got to spend so much time with my grandparents and a lot of that time, was traveling. I think it was for my 13th birthday when we first went to Wimbledon, but first we decided to make a pit stop in Paris before and a pit stop in Barcelona on the way home. It was my first time flying “across the pond” and I got to do it with my grandparents. We got to fly on one of those double decker planes and we got to sit upstairs. It was such a cool experience to do that with them. When we arrived in Paris, we stayed at some tiny hotel that honestly smelled awful, haha. My grandmother had given me a jumprope and bet me that I wouldn’t jumprope every single day of the trip. Once we arrived, my grandpa would go outside with me to find a place to jump. We would go every day.
On that same trip, I remember experiencing public transportation for the first time. If there is another thing that characterizes my grandpa, it’s his horrible sense of direction. Back then we had paper maps instead of iPhones and Google maps and we would Mapquest everything before leaving the hotel. I have no idea why, but I was able to pick up on the metro super well. I think maybe it was because I knew how bad my grandpa was with directions and I didn’t want to get lost in a foreign country. He was so amazed and proud. He was just in awe that ianyone could understand the map, but it was really not that complicated :)
There was a time where Hertz, the car rental company would sponsor Wimbledon, I think, or one of the slams. They had a commercial that my grandpa loved and it was so silly. By some miracle of God, I was able to find it. God bless YouTube.
We would go around saying “who do you think you are? Hertz?”
Speaking of YouTube, we entered the era of autocorrect. My grandpa always had the latest phone models. He wasn’t incredibly techy but he always had a cell phone plan that got him upgrades every time a new one came out. He always got my grandma the latest Blackberry and let me tell you, she was so good at using that thing. Anyway, my grandpa was one of those people that typed sort of slow on the computer so imagine on a tiny device! Once autocorrect came along, he thought this was great but it started autocorrecting his typos into silly things. The most common one was “I love YouTube” instead of I love you too. So that became our thing — we would talk on the phone and before hanging up “I love YouTube” <3
Another really defining characteristic of his was that he was so selfless. He always put others before himself. Always. He and my grandmother always found a way to give back. They both went to the tennis club and worked there in some capacity over the years. Like most places, there was a lost and found and after some time, those things would just be thrown away. My grandparents started to collect these items and redirect them to people who needed them. There is a lot of poverty in Mexico and my grandparents really had a soft spot particularly for the ball boys and girls that would pick up the tennis balls while the members played tennis for just a few pesos per match.
They didn’t stop there though, they went as far as to teach them tennis, host ball kid tennis tournaments and even dedicated time to help them with their homework. It still didn’t stop there. One of my grandfather’s companies would resurface and build tennis courts and other sports surfaces. When the ball kids grew up, they ended up working for my grandfathers company. Together they have built some of the best tennis courts in Mexico, including those at the professional tournaments such as Acapulco, Guadalajara, Los Cabos, and even the tennis court where Roger Federer famously played his exhibition match against Sascha Zverev. All of those courts are extravagant and spectacular, but my favorite court, is not even regulation size.
My grandparents ran a street tennis clinic and I’m not sure how or when it started but they would host a free clinic and bring racquets to kids of underprivileged neighborhoods in our town. My grandpa had his guys come out and build a mini tennis court that was in one of these neighborhoods for free. They would collect donations from the members of the tennis club in the form of clothes, old racquets, etc. and bring it to the kids to give a second life. The kids loved it and they actually picked up the sport pretty quickly. My grandparents even had street tennis t-shirts made for the kids one time when my mom and I went. Our family is not the wealthiest but my grandparents always found a way to give back. It was so beautiful to witness.
I think we can all agree that COVID sucks. For me, right now more than ever because I tested positive the day after my grandfathers funeral after having tested negative twice the days prior! COVID has taken away a lot from us, mostly people but for my family, COVID took away precious time. When your parents and grandparents get older, time with them becomes that much more precious. I remember I didn’t want to go to Texas for Thanksgiving for many stupid reasons and my boyfriend convinced me that it was important that I do that, not only for me, but for my grandparents and my family. Up until that point, I don’t think I had ever given it much thought that our days and holidays were numbered. Like I said before, I thought they would live forever. My boyfriend knows what it’s like to lose a family member and he reminded me in that moment that no matter the reasons I had for not going, they were never going to outweigh the reasons I should go. It wasn’t until now that I realized how important that was for me. I remember being there and telling him that things had gone so much better than I expected and that I had had the best time with my family. Little did I know, that would be the last time we’d all ever be together for Thanksgiving.
I wish I would have gone to visit much more often and I wish I would have spent more time with my grandparents when I visited. A lot of times, I turned my trips to Mexico into trips about my friends. I would rush through dinner with my grandparents and get annoyed at all the questions they would ask me just so I could go out and get drunk with my friends. Don’t get me wrong, those were some of the funnest nights of my life but not worth more than those moments I should have spent appreciating my grandparents.
I want to be very positive in this post but the truth is that death is very real and when it happens, there’s no second chance. A few months ago, my dad was hospitalized and again I had to rush to Mexico to be with him and hope I got to see him before he died, because that’s what I thought was going to happen. Luckily, he and I, we got a second chance. We hadn’t been as close as we should be or as we wanted to be and we had neglected our relationship, pushing the blame from one to the other. His hospitalization was a wake up call that when death happens, there’s no redo or rewind button. That’s it. Making sure that we use the time we have on Earth with our loved ones is so important and it’s something that we often forget. We get consumed in the day to day activities and push things off until the next day or the weekend.
During the lockdown periods early on in the pandemic, I would speak to my grandparents almost daily. It was the highlight of their day, and frankly, the highlight of mine too. It’s so strange to me that we can feel so connected despite the distance. It’s almost like we have the power to shrink that physical distance with attention and phone calls. You would think we would have run out of things to say but we never did. My grandpa was always very interested to hear about my work day and learn about the different characters in my life. He was so proud of me and I could feel it through the phone. I would bring Lola to the phone and she would seemingly meow back at them when they spoke to her in the typical high pitched baby voice, almost as if she recognized their voice. I gained quite a bit of weight since college and I have never been the thinnest and my grandpa was very worried about that. During COVID I got a Peloton and I would ride it every day before calling them. He would feel so bad if he called me in the middle of my ride and he would quickly hang up to let me finish. During that time, I was all in on health and fitness so I was cooking a lot and we would chat while I was cooking dinner. It didn’t really matter what we talked about, he always found a way to sneak some words of wisdom or at the very least some funny jokes in to make me laugh.
Work started to pick up and life happened so we started to lose touch. We stopped talking on the phone every day but he never stopped caring about me. We actually texted every day and he would text me a line or two about the weather. “Don’t forget your umbrella today!” he would say. We called him the family weatherman because all of his kids and grandkids were spread out across many different places, but he would check all of the locations and text us. When I started dating my boyfriend, I started spending a lot of time in the northern part of Michigan. He would always joke and say “are you sure you want to date someone that lives way up there? It’s so cold!” Yes, I’m sure, I would respond. Even when I was in Michigan, he would tailor his weather report to make sure my flight wasn’t delayed and so that I would pack enough warm clothes. He loved when I was in Michigan because he loved seeing me with my boyfriend and his dog. His dog is a beautiful golden retriever and I would send him wake up call videos of him waking me up with a lick on my face. He just loved seeing me happy and that made me even happier. He unfortunately never got the chance to meet my boyfriend — our schedules never ended up coinciding for us to make it down to Mexico to introduce them but he was dying to meet him. They actually remind me a lot of each other and I think they would have gotten along so well.
I really could go on forever and still not do him justice. I’ve cried more than I ever thought possible and somehow I feel like that’s still not enough to express how heartbroken I am to see him go. I always used to have this badge of honor that I still had 2 of my grandparents alive even though I’m 28. I know a lot of my friends have not been as lucky as I have. At one point in the viewing, I started to lose consciousness for a split second and I thought I was going to pass out. Just seeing him there, in his favorite bright red sweater, I couldn’t believe it. He was always playing pranks on us so I was sort of waiting for him to just open his eyes and say just kidding! But he didn’t. When the workers came to wheel him away to cremate him, I started to have a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe. Everything was moving so fast but so slow at the same time. I could see all of our friends and family standing around the room and I could feel their eyes on us. Seeing my mother cry is one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced.
They started to wheel him away, and very quickly. I was wearing heels and trying to keep up, hold my mom’s hand and remind myself to breathe at the same time. My mom even told them to slow down because it really seemed like they were in a rush to take him away. In Mexico, they ask that up to 5 people go in to verify that the body they are cremating is the body of our loved one just to validate that we are getting the right ashes. How awful, I thought, as I tried to prepare myself for what I was about to see. They showed us his body one last time before they loaded it on a wooden plank and lined it up to go in. We had put a tiny Coca Cola bottle in the casket with him because the man never went a day without having multiple Cokes. When we would all get ready to go to bed, he would go back to the fridge and take a sip of his Coke. Every single night. It was only right that he go out with a Coke in hand.
I thought seeing him go into the machine to be cremated would be traumatizing and hard to overcome, but for some reason, it kind of made it seem extremely real for me. Like I said, I kept waiting for him to wake up when he was in his casket in the viewing, even though I knew that wasn’t going to happen. Since he went in, since the last time I saw him, I’ve shed very little tears. It’s not that I’m not sad, but it’s just that that’s not what he would have wanted. I can truly say, with confidence, that he loved his life. He lived an incredible life and he always brought levity and fun to everyone else’s lives. He was truly an incredible human and I don’t know how I got so lucky to spend all 28 years of my life learning from him, growing with him, laughing with him and admiring him.
So goodbye, best friend. I’ll miss your morning texts with the weather in whatever city I was in. I’ll miss your beautiful smile with your perfectly imperfect crooked teeth. I’ll miss hearing you butcher words in English with your thick Mexican accent. I’ll miss your funny jokes and your not-so-funny-overly-predictable jokes. I’ll miss traveling the globe with you to watch tennis matches. I’ll miss analyzing tennis matches and even NFL football games together. I’ll miss you asking a million and one questions when I come to Mexico and I’m on my way out with my friends. I’ll miss getting mad at you for taking so many work calls while we’re having dinner. I’ll miss the obligatory fake fights to see who pays for the bill. I’ll miss telling you to put your seatbelt on before you drive off. I’ll miss trying to play tennis with you even though I could never hit the ball right to you. I’ll miss telling you not to order the same spicy dish that I know is going to make you sweat because it’s so spicy even though you love it. I’ll miss saying goodbye to you at the airport and hugging you so hard that I would worry I was going to crush your tiny frame. I’ll miss having fresh baked croissants with you every single day we were in Paris. I’ll miss having pasta with a side of pizza and multiple bottles of wine. I’ll miss you talking me off the ledge when I’m angry and bringing me back down to Earth. I’ll miss you reasoning with me whenever I would be mad at my mom. I’ll miss your cute Tommy Hilfiger belt that matched perfectly with your colorful polo shirts. I’ll miss waking up in Mexico and hearing you drag your feet in those slippers you must have had for 100 years. I’ll miss every single thing about you. Every single thing. Thank you for always putting us first and I hope you continue to watch over us. I only hope we can continue to make you proud. I love YouTube.
