I Didn’t Even Know You Had Siblings
A lot of my friends don’t know much about my dad’s side of the family and while I know they don’t mean anything by it, when they find out I have two half brothers they’re like oh I had no idea or I’ve never heard you talk about them it makes me really upset. I know it seems like I’m really public with everything but this is something I’m really private about. It’s not because I’m ashamed of this side of the family but because I’m ashamed of myself.
When I was born, I was the first grandchild and all the attention was on me from both sides of the family. I remember when steph first went to thanksgiving with my mom’s side of the family she was like omg their whole world revolves around you. She would say the same thing if she went and spent time with my dad’s side. Particularly when my grandparents on his side were still alive. So for a really long time, it really was mostly all about me. I got everything I wanted and my family has always treated me like a princess. I’m spoiled.
My parents split when I was about 1? We don’t really ever talk about it. My parents don’t have the best relationship but I get along very well with both nowadays. I don’t really know what happened between them and I don’t really feel like it’s my business. Honestly, after knowing them both, I can’t see them together at all!
I spent a lot of time with my mom growing up and that’s why we have such a tight knit relationship but things weren’t always so rosy with my dad. My dad and I, personality wise, we are very similar. While I’m more emotional, i can be very cold and so can he. I’m pretty standoffish when I meet new people and won’t really let them in until I feel like I can trust them. I think my dad is the same way. We never really felt like we had to talk about our feelings, we both always knew we loved each other without having to say it all the time.
My parents are similar in the sense that they are both very driven and disciplined. My dad is doctor and obviously went through many years of med school but he also has worked very hard to get to a place where he’s comfortable and supports not only his immediate family but helps my great uncle with his medical practice as well. They’re both OBs and my godfather is as well — all very well respected. My parents are also similar in their temper, though. I had to get it from somewhere, right? You do not want to see any of the three of us really pissed! No bueno.
My dad remarried a wonderful woman and she has loved me and accepted me as one of her own since day 1. She has never spoken ill of my mother and has never disrespected my parents former relationship, which I feel like is very, very important. She later had 2 kids of her own with my dad and they are absolutely perfect. I didn’t spend much time with them growing up because my mom and I moved to Kentucky when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. They stayed in Ciudad Juárez, where I was born. The funny thing is that when I do go to visit, I notice so many similarities across the three of us despite us not spending much time growing up together. The youngest one loved putting lime juice on everything, just like me, and he’s the one I spent the least amount of time with.
I guess feeling ashamed comes from not spending enough time with them or that side of the family. When people ask me how old they are, I have to do the math, it’s not like quick information I know. I know very little about my brothers’ hobbies and interests and things like that. I used to resent my dad for not making more of an effort with me but he was in the height of his career, starting a new family, living his life. I used to always think why doesn’t he reach out more? He’s the dad? He’s supposed to know everything? (Side note — up until very recently, I thought my parents could do no wrong and I thought I would never disagree with them… ha). Now as I’m more mature, I sympathize with him and understand him so much more. No, I do not have children of my own yet but I do move a lot. I have friends all over the place and I shit you not, I would DIE for some of them. You think that sounds dramatic, and it does, but I genuinely mean that. That being said, the same ones I would die for, are the ones that I probably speak to the least. They’re the ones that I know are always there for me even if I haven’t spoken to them in years. I know that they would drop everything to do anything for me with just one call. I used to think that every relationship I had, both romantic and not romantic, had to be the same. I thought it required constant communication and daily reassurance, but the truth is that it doesn’t. I was also comparing my relationship with my dad to the one I had with my mom, which now looking back at it sounds insane to me. I would see my mom every single day, share every single meal with her, do everything with her, etc. We were always best friends. How is it possible to expect that same relationship from my dad. Back then, though not even very long ago, we didn’t have such access to each other. We used to schedule calls on Sunday evenings to talk and catch up whereas now I can send him a WhatsApp message and be connected to him in an instant. Times have changed and we have changed.
I’m not making excuses for my dad. Has he done things that pissed me off then and maybe still upset me today? Sure, but so have I. And so has my mom. I think that comparing is so unfair and unnecessary. Every relationship is different and each one is unique to the people and the situation. I used to think that it was always my dad’s responsibility to reach out to me. Why do I have to reach out? He’s the father figure? Why wouldn’t he reach out to me? He’s probably thinking the something similar. Why doesn’t she reach out to me more? Does she even want to talk to me? Do I bother her when I reach out? We don’t have anything in common.
We all have doubts but I’ve found that if you want something, go get it or go do it. Right now as I’m typing this, I’m sitting on my first of 4 flights that I need to take to go see him. I got a call from my step mom saying that he was ill and in critical condition. My heart dropped to my stomach. I didn’t even say hello when I answered. As soon as I saw her name and saw she was calling my American cell phone directly, I knew something was up. I answered with “what’s wrong?” — I just knew. I don’t really know much and probably won’t until I’m there and can see him. Don’t ask me if I’m okay, I’m not and I don’t know how I’m supposed to answer that question. I will be better when I can see him with my own eyes and be with my family.
Time is precious and these connections we have with people whether they are romantic or not, family or friendship connections, they are all precious and valuable. Don’t take them for granted. I somehow have a lot of experience with long distance relationships. I’m close friends with a ton of my high school friends but the few that have kept in touch with me through the years and the moves have been my rocks. Here are some of the things I * try * to do to maintain these connections:
put time on my calendar to check in on one long distance friend. No, you can’t keep up with everyone all the time, but you can give your undivided attention to one person for 2 mins while you type a “hi how are you doing? I miss you” text.
Each morning my grandpa messages me but if I wake up before him, I try to message him first. I don’t want him to think I’m not invested in our relationship and since he puts in the effort, it’s important for me to match it when I can.
Respond/interact with their social media. In the world we live in, so much of us care about how many likes and comments or whatever we get. Whenever my friends post, I try to always comment. Whether it’s on Instagram, fb or linked in, I really try my best to help my friends feel celebrated.
Let them know when you’re thinking about them. The other day I heard a song that triggered a college memory with one of my best friends, who I hadn’t talked to in a couple of weeks. We had a quick 2-text exchange and I had a smile on my face for the rest of the day.
Think about what you crave and miss from your friends — think about being more open and vocal about what you need. Early in our relationship, aaron and I had a conflict and he is very private and quiet while I’m very impulsive and loud. I like to hash things out as they occur, not let them fester. He likes to take time to think and then react. He didn’t respond to any of my messages for what seemed like an eternity and I was going insane. After that, I told him while I was in the wrong in this argument, that I couldn’t do it if he just didn’t respond to me. Now, even if he doesn’t want to talk, he will let me know that he need time or he acknowledges me and my feelings but then asks for time to process. And that’s a good compromise for me.
Use names and be descriptive. With all long distance situations, you have to be willing to share parts of your life that the other may not know anything about because they’re not physically there with you. When you tell a story about something that happened in your day, you can help by identifying the characters of your stories so even though they’re not there and haven’t met them, they can start identifying these character that tend to reappear in your stories. Rather than saying oh my friend and I did xyz, you could say Aaron and went to xyz place and then ate at abc restaurant. This will help them feel like they’re there or part of it even when they’re not there.
Lastly, face time or zoom. Nothing beats seeing your friends face to face. My friend Chloe lives in Seattle and we have opposite schedules but we pick a day a week or two in advance and schedule a FaceTime call to catch up. We haven’t done it since the holidays but as soon as I’m done writing this I’m gonna schedule another one.
I guess my point is that yeah physical distance between people sucks sometimes. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship it is, it is very different than actually being there. The good thing, though, is that there are so many ways to make the distance seem smaller than it actually is. We have social media, wireless phones and text messages, FaceTime, zoom, etc. If something or someone is important to you, make time for them and make sure you don’t wait until something bad happens to remind them how much you love them. That’s what I did and let me tell you, it feels like shit. I’m trying very hard to not let my mind go there and dwell on the decisions I’ve made in the past — picking a trip to the beach over going to see either side of my family. Making excuses that it’s too hard to go to one place in Mexico but then taking multiple flights to go to another part of Mexico. Using work as an excuse for not making time to reach out to my family and build a better relationship. We can’t do anything about the past and really that’s the only thing that keeps me sane. We can’t change the past but we can change how we grow and adapt to form better relationships. I don’t want to be ashamed to not know the answers to questions that I should know about my siblings. I don’t want to be ashamed about the lack of engagement I’ve had with my family. I want to be better and I want to be there for them. I want them to feel like they have a sister — one they can call when they’re having girl trouble. One they can lean on when their dad is ill. One they are proud to call their sister. I don’t want to reflect one day and have regrets about not dedicating enough time and effort to them. I don’t want to have to have this conversation with myself to hold myself accountable again.
Hold your loved ones close 🤍
xx marn
