UNWELL

I guess I click baited your ass a little bit because I’m not unwell but I’m not not unwell.

What the hell is going on? Has it really been almost a year? I remember in January my boss’ boss came up to my desk and was talking about how his wife was like over-preparing for this pandemic. Worrying about running out of essentials, this that and the other. And I remember thinking, what is he talking about? I had seen some memes about the ‘Corona Virus’ and remember thinking it was just another stupid viral internet meme. Well, obviously I was wrong. From the time that I learned what coronavirus actually was, and the time that lockdown began was like a 3 day turnaround. I had actually been away from my apartment in Darien, Connecticut playing a paddle tournament. It was nationals, I was very new to the sport, it was my very first real tournament and I was so excited. That was the last group event I was at before the lockdown. At tournaments they always feed you and this fancy country club had a beautiful buffet of healthy food and snacks for all of the players. CAN YOU IMAGINE GOING TO A BUFFET RIGHT NOW? I don’t even go into restaurants still. I will not travel or let my family come to visit me. If you have followed my blog, you know that when the lockdown began, I did not leave my apartment for literally 61 days. Pre=pandemic I always had everything delivered to me, so it wasn’t a drastic change. Everyone was hoarding toilet paper and meanwhile, I had a box of like 24 rolls of toilet paper that had just arrived. Yes, I do have my toilet paper (and now paper towels) on a subscription service. I had so much toilet paper in my apartment that I even tried to build an obstacle for Lola to hop over. Other people, did not have everything on a subscription basis, so people’s lives drastically changed.

Aside from the obvious changes, I think we don’t talk enough about the impact to our health. And no, I don’t mean like actually getting covid. I mean like how do you feel. How awkward is it canceling plans when there are too many people invited? Or when people go in for a hug and you have to back away and be like no thank you. Or canceling plans because you saw someone posting on social in a different state and then confirming plans with you before their quarantine period has ended.

I genuinely never expected this covid thing to impact my life in the way that it has. I belong to the most beautiful tennis club and the members there are like my second family. 90% of my friends are from the club and I spend 99% of my free time there. I absolutely love it. BUT, we don’t all see eye to eye. In previous summers, we would sit on the patio and watch tennis, share a bottle of Prosecco (or two), and just enjoy the sunset. This summer, we obviously had limitations with the number of people per table, restrictions on how close the tables were, etc, etc. Yet people would still come by and pop a squat at our table. While in the past, this behavior was totally normal and acceptable, I remember cringing when this happened. I knew I was on the more cautious side (by a lot), and that other people felt comfortable around more people than I did. And honestly, I felt like shit being upset by that. I canceled plans and left dinners early because I was just not comfortable. And it wasn’t like I didn’t like the people that were coming to sit down, they are like my family. Of course, I want to spend time with them. But for me, leaving my apartment was a treat, and having dinners and lunches at the club was special for me, and with the restrictions in place, I felt very comfortable. When we bent the rules even a little bit, I was genuinely shocked at how uncomfortable I felt.

Another thing was that I’m really close with the staff at our club and it was their job to enforce these new covid rules and regulations. I really hated breaking the rules and putting them in an uncomfortable position or having to come to our table and tell us that we were exceeding the number of people allowed at the table. Which we all knew, so I don’t know why we did it anyway. All things considered, I think that the staff and the members did a pretty good job overall to ensure that our club could stay open through the summer, and the winter for that matter.

I find that people’s tolerances are so different for everything. Even pre-pandemic. It’s just that this pandemic has truly heightened everything and made it more noticeable for me. It honestly makes me sad because I used to literally not give a fuck about anything when I was younger. I was a lot more carefree and less calculated and now I’m so in my head. I know I could travel and I could go to restaurants now that indoor dining is allowed in NYC again, but I’m just not ready. I don’t trust people. When I got my permit to drive, my mom would always tell me to be careful, this, that, and the other. You know, mom things. And I never really understood it until later in life. She said that she knew I knew how to drive and that I knew what to do but that at the end of the day, there’s really only so much that I could control myself and that the rest was really up to the other drivers. And we don’t know them and we don’t know how they behave under pressure or in bad weather, etc. Right? Same thing here. I know that I have been extremely careful and that I have followed all of the guidelines, but I don’t know about everyone else. So that’s why I don’t know when I’ll be ready to get on the subway again and go to work. Even when I go to Manhattan to visit Steph, I get severe anxiety when I get in the Uber, so I can’t even imagine public transportation. The cool thing about being so close with the members of my tennis club is that I feel very comfortable around most of them so now that indoor dining is back on, that’s really the only place where I feel comfortable eating indoors.

I think the most important thing is to be as understanding as possible about other people’s comfort zones. Right now is such a delicate time and we all have our own thoughts on the situation. I think that as long as people are following the recommended guidelines, we should be respectful. If you don’t feel comfortable in a situation, do not be afraid to speak up. You don’t have to make a big deal about it, you just have to be upfront about where you stand and your friends and family should respect those boundaries that you’re setting.

That brings me to my next point about how that has made us feel. Of course, we want to be back to normal and hang out with our friends like we used to but right now that is not possible. I used to get so anxious when my friends or families asked to make plans that I didn’t feel comfortable with that I would make myself sick just thinking about it. I told this story before on my blog regarding Thanksgiving. I live in NYC by myself, and while I have an amazing support system here, my family lives all over the place. My mom lives in Kentucky, my dad lives in Mexico near Texas, my aunt and uncle live in North Carolina, and my sweet grandparents and other aunts and uncles live in Mexico near Mexico City. Traveling is a huge part of our lives and we really do make an effort to see each other multiple times a year. Sure, we talk on the phone, facetime, and text all the time, but that’s just not the same. We always spend Thanksgiving at the tennis ranch in Texas but this year I did not go. My mom and grandparents went but I did not feel comfortable doing that. We all live in different parts of the world and the way the media has portrayed situations over the world is so different. I guess with the pandemic and the presidential election, I really noticed how news differed from network to network. I didn’t know what to believe. Also, because of the sheer quantity of people and international status of NYC, cases were obviously higher than they were in Louisville, Ky or Puebla, Mexico. So I can totally understand why the virus may not seem as scary to them. I saw my city completely shut down and be boarded up and turned into a literal ghost town right before my eyes. The numbers being reported were alarming. NYC was a hub for a very long time and not in a good way, and I think that really shaped my perspective of the pandemic. In June, I went to the Hamptons and to Utah and honestly, I cannot believe I did that. Sure, I had a good time but I risked my health and the health of those around me for what? You may know that I hit my head in Utah and got a concussion and found out about a brain tumor (which we think is not life threatening), but in a weird way I feel like that’s my ‘punishment’ for being reckless! I mean we went to Utah when SLC was ridiculously high in cases. Sure, we didn’t leave my friend’s house much but I did expose myself to a more risky situation. Being in the hospital and thinking I was gonna die for a hot sec really made me think about this whole thing. How can I expect other people to stay at home if I’m out here traveling the country? Doesn’t make sense. Ever since I got back from Utah, I have rarely left my 1-mile radius.

New favorite hat

#unwell

I like being in control of my situation. It’s like getting my permit all over again. I know I’m following the rules now, but I know a lot of people are more ‘loosey-goosey’ with the guidelines. I can’t really do anything about it except to share my experience and share my story and take care of my own shit. I can’t control what you do but I can certainly control what I do. I really struggle with anxiety and depression and it’s hard to look at the last year and imagine how anyone can NOT have anxiety and/or depression. Like, fuck. This sucks. I think we take our mental health for granted. There have been a few of my friends that have mentioned that their kids are not handling things so well. To be honest, how could they? I mean if I was a teenager during this time I would absolutely be losing it. Hell, I’m nearly 27 and I’m holding on by a string as thin as dental floss. I’m a very Type-A kind of person and I like to have everything under control or at least planned. You would never guess that by looking at my disaster of an apartment but I like to keep things in line in my brain at least. Everything about this pandemic has flipped our worlds upside down and it’s pretty hard to plan for the future because we just don’t know what we don’t know. We don’t know how many people are going to actually get the vaccine or when most people will even have the option to get the vaccine. We don’t really know any of the long-term side effects of both covid or the vaccine. One of my favorite sayings is “I don’t know what I don’t know” and I’m not even sure where I heard it for the first time. There are things we know and things we don’t know but then there is this third category of things we don’t even know that we don’t know, you know? So how do you deal with this?

Clearly thriving during this pandemic

For me, I really have to dumb it down and talk to my brain like it’s a little baby kindergartner. Here are the things that are happening that are upsetting me or making me feel some type of way. Then I take that list and sort it into the things that I have control over and the things that I don’t have control over. The things that I don’t have control over are useless. There’s nothing I can do about it, so I focus (or at least try to focus) my energy on the things I can control. One thing I love to do is journal. I used to do it every day but lately, I tend to do it more like once a week, which is also fine. It really helps me organize my thoughts and emotions so it’s always good when I write. Here is an example of today’s journal entry. I think this is the first time I’ve shared something like this so please be kind<3

Other things that help? Eating well. I cannot tell you how much better I feel when I don’t order junk food, which is something I love to do when I’m in an episode of depression. Like I have food at home to eat healthily, but noooooooo, I’m convinced that a mcdouble and a giant diet coke will make me feel better. Spoiler alert: it does not make me feel better. Drinking tons of water is obviously good for all kinds of reasons, but specifically, it helps keep my skin clear and I don’t break out as much even when I’m severely stressed. Working out, and by that I mean like light movement, helps with my mood. Today, I did a 15-minute strength class from Peloton and logged in to work right after and I was so productive and in the best mood, I have been while working in a while. Granted, it didn’t take long for me to get pissed off but at least it started out better than most days. Lastly, which is something I was completely against, I take my antidepressant. There is such a negative connotation around mental health and taking medication to treat your mental illnesses. I used to think that I was gonna be considered crazy if I took medication. 13 months after taking this medication, I think how crazy I was to not be open to taking medication. Full disclosure, the first 8 weeks were rough as fuck and I thought I was not going to be able to handle this medication. I had to take multiple sick days which I literally NEVER take, but now I feel great and rarely forget to take it nowadays. Lastly, I drink tequila. This one may be controversial but I really feel so free and careless when I drink tequila. Let’s be serious, who doesn’t LOL. But really, it does help me relax and forget about reality for a hot sec. The point here is that there’s not a one-size-fits-all for everyone. You have to find the best way to cope for you and your environment and it may take some trial and error. Talking about it helps. Whether that be talking to a therapist in person, on the phone, online, or journaling to yourself. Here is a blog post I wrote for Brightside, which is the provider I use for my therapy and medication.

I know this post was long and kind of all over the place but this shit weighs heavy on me and with the number of people that asked me for advice on how to help their children deal with this (LOL first of all because it’s not like I’m thriving either), I just felt like I had to write my thoughts on all of this. And if this helps even one single person, then that’s good enough for me. Stay healthy friends! Respect people’s boundaries and understand that they DO want to spend time with you but that right now is just a hard time for them — *cough cough * me. And lastly, you are not alone. If you need someone to talk to, the national hotline is 800-273-8255 and if you want to talk to me, you can always reach out to me via email at hangrymarn@gmail.com

xoxo gossip girl. Just kidding

xx marn